need to write

I haven't written in this blog for a long, long time but tonight I tried to update my facebook status and I just could not stop writing. Nobody likes a status update that is long, so I thought I'll use the ol' blog I forgot I loved so long ago and that I've been wanting to write in.

Here's the status update that I couldn't stop writing in true rambling, unedited, written fast fashion:

 "so sad & heavy hearted tonight...i am a passionate person when it comes to injustice. i just want to read everything about the whole zimmerman trial. all of the screaming for justice. i've been addicted to all the videos/articles and hearing all the witnesses for both sides. 6 mothers were the jurors. what were they saying for 16 hours!? 911 call was zimmerman yelling for help? you'd know your kids' scream. i always know my sons' cry over other babies and i've only known it for 2+ months. these dads had 17 or 29 YEARS to really know their sons' cry and both dads said it was their kid... hm. ? it's just so sad. sad. trayvon couldn't tell his side of the story. And that girl Jeantel who tried to tell his side did it really poorly and the prosecution was using some sappy, hallmark card approach that was ridiculous. 'who lost the fight? who lost the fight?'...what! could you talk about trayvon's character or something to defend him? have a logical explanation like the defense did with that dummy??  ugh. so sad he died. sooo sad he died. so young. :( my mind is just full of the 'ifs' that i always think about when i get all heart broken."

---IF he was a white kid in a black hoodie--would he have still followed him that night? (probably not.. but probably yes since there were a lot of recent break ins...it seems anyone of any race but especially teenagers in hoodies late at night seem fishy or even scary to people)

or IF he was a white kid and he was shot would anyone have even cared? probably not at all. sad.

 If the next foster child I took in my home and loved to pieces was an African American teenage boy...would I send him up to the corner BP late at night in a hoody to grab some milk if we were out???....If someone was following him home what would he do ???  He'd probably be really scared of that dude following him home in the dark and he'd probably fight and act defensively....?? I didn't know Trayvon obviously. But I know many a could be Trayvons and that is why I'm so sad.  Maybe he fought because he was scared. Maybe he fought because he was sick of feeling like everyone was looking at him like he did something wrong when he didn't do anything..when he's actually an amazingly wonderful kid. Maybe Trayvon fought because he thought that guy following him was gonna hurt him and kill him. Did he reach for Zimmerman's gun because he thought he was gonna kill him? 

It feels just like the movie 'Crash'. In the movie...One dude thought the other one was reaching for the gun but he wasn't. BAM! the end of the movie. the end of that guy's life. Sooo sad. What IF Zimmerman would have said I'm just with the neighborhood watch I don't want any trouble..what are you doing out here? What IF Trayvon would have answered him?  What would he have said?? Why did he fight Zimmerman like that...leaving Zimmerman nose broken and head all bleeding...like the defense portrayed?? ugh.

sad. I don't live in a country where i would encourage the teenagers i love to wear hoodies and go out late at night. That is sad but doesn't seem that odd...  If the media wouldn't have instantly made this a civil rights thing would it have blown up like this?  I hate that all the glorious African American youth i know through this trial may feel unloved or that they live in a place where they are stereotyped because of this trial. Well...truth without any 'ifs' or 'maybes' is we definitely live in a place with stereotypes. You can  point at everyone else like 'I don't judge people--how could you?'...which is impossible because everyone judges and stereotypes. you have to fight your own thoughts not to judge and stereotype. Trayvon assumed things about Zimmerman..Zimmerman assumed things about Trayvon. For that he is definitely guilty... i can't wear certain clothes or wear my hair a certain way, go to certain places and expect to be treated justly. I could get mad about that (How could THEY presume I'm stupid, dirty, do drugs because I have dreads! What idiots! How could THEY presume I have tons of money, am a snob and have had this peachy easy life because I'm white? How could THEY think I'm lame, boring just because I'm 'old' or because I have kids or because I don't dress like that or drive that car or eat that food...list goes on and on and on. I could get mad at other people because that's easy or I could get mad at myself that I do the same crap. People watch and think horrible make fun of them or judge them kind of thoughts...usually based on how they are dressed 'how could they were that outfit? that bathing suit?, how they wear their hair like that or hang out there.... ugh. justice. i hope i treat all folks justly.. i hope that george zimmerman and the martin family can sit and cry together...if he was truly innocent and it was all a sad misunderstanding and accident...then i hope the martins can forgive and find peace somehow..even though losing a child is the saddest thing i can imagine..I like to imagine that happened at the end of the movie 'Crash'.

 Okay I'm going to bed now. I feel much better after writing all that. ah. rambling. I'm grieving like I knew Trayvon.

Day Bajillion: Write again...

Hello there, my dear neglected blog. I have missed you so.
My new year's resolution, among other less exciting things, was to write more.
I think about writing all day. "Write that down," I say to myself very often through my days. So my day one new year's coincidence was a crazy package on my porch. It was a giant #2 pencil costume. My friend sent it awhile ago and I never found it til then. I danced around in it for awhile. Jovi thought is was hilarious...husband was not so excited about it, which made me laugh even harder. What could be possibly be more attractive then a giant, rather thick #2 pencil?  Cheers. I will try to keep my coincidences and God-magical moments coming. Cheers.

Day 17: non coincedence--heart vice cashier.

So this non-coincidence is very upsetting and needs background information as usual.

The past 2 days I have been a Back-Pack monster. My churches goal is to give away 300 backpacks to Slavic village kids this Saturday!! We collected 125 from church folks so far.  I'm the excited organizer of the chaos and so with donation money in hand I set out on my adventure.  I bought 125 more backpacks and school supply stuffing yesterday. Such a simple thing to write but this was no easy task. No store just has 125 backpacks sitting there to buy. Glimpses of day include: cashier checking out 180 notebooks INDIVIDUALLY, emptying 4 Walgreen's shelves of 39 cent pencil boxes, ringing out 50 backpacks from a cosmetic counter,  counting 800 folders at Marcs. My faithful companion and I went to 12 stores. I always wanted to be on a shopping spree show when I was a kid. Shopping til you dropping..is actually pretty rough.  We were aiming for 300 but even I in all my scrimping couldn't squeeze 50 more backpacks.

I embraced the 250 and thanked God for all the generosity. I just really hoped for 300. Anyway, today I had to reverse shop (which is so not as fun) and return a few to many of this and pick up a few more of that. I had 50 extra 1 subject 20 cent notebooks from Walmart and thought I'll return them and pick up a few more backpacks to even the age groups. I needed to go to Target (20 cent pencil sharpeners), Walgreens (still needed more 39 cent pencil boxes), Marcs (return 100 folders), post office (half.com sell) and Kmart (25 cent crayons). POOOOR JOVI.

I wasn't going to stop at Walmart because 50 notebooks could easily find a home in any of the 240ish backpacks that are in my friend's living room right now. Walmart was not in the plan. I pulled in Walmart anyway. I hate when my car does that!  I thought fine..may as well return the notebooks and see if they have more backpacks...maybe we'll get 50 more somehow.

I walked in the door and rolled my notebook filled cart into customer service.

"MS. MOSS!!!!"

'Awwwee.' (My heart instantly gets all soft and mushy but no one can tell in Steelyard Walmart.)  'Hi Diamond..' (spelled: Dy' mond, I think.)

She was my poor cashier who had to return 50 notebooks and my former student who acted like this was completely normal because I was always doing weird stuff in class. We chatted about school, about her old friends, and her future plans. I got sooo sad.

I pushed my cart away and wanted to cry. I miss my students. I really miss my students. I can't even teach right now if I wanted too. I didn't want to feel like crying because then I just get really mad because of my unspoken job mess.

Then I get a call from a glorious generous lady (who didn't know how many backpacks we had), "Hey, I want to go shopping. I'm thinking 50 more backpacks. What else do you need?"

(Now remember I just returned 50 notebooks because I didn't have 50 more backpacks.)

"Well", I said to her while I was soberly drove away from Walmart and off to another store, "I need 50 notebooks to go in the backpacks. They are 20 cents at Walmart."

UGH! Why did I return those right now??!
Why did I have to run into a student that derailed my focus right now?
Why can't I just go back to teaching?!?
Why didn't she call me yesterday to tell me she wanted to go shopping? 
WHOOHOOOO 300 backpacks!!!

That was just a really weird coincidence.
 

day 16: Saturday's denied impulse buy

I have been missing moments and neglecting to document the crazy coincidences of the past days.
I have to rewind and share my regret about a crazy, crazy not-coincidence from the weekend.

Saturday, we attended wedding #5 of the summer :) Background to thicken the plot is just: I did not know a person at the wedding, we had to drive about an hour and Ed was going to play the bag pipes but didn't. It was one of Ed's neighborhood  growing up friends.  I totally forgot to get a gift card/card for the wedding, which is unlike me because I usually have cards/gifts waiting in advance but I'm slipping lately. So we had to go to Target in between the wedding and the reception, which wasn't convenient at all. We finally get to Target and we're frantically reading cards. There was not much time to properly card hunt since driving took so looooong. We were digging through wedding cards and for whatever reason, I was compelled by the loss of pet cards. The inner dialogue starting going a million miles an hour.
'Amy, focus on the task. Get a wedding card, fast.'
         'I should get a pet sympathy card. I don't have one of those in my collection.'
'Stop buying things you don't need. Pick a wedding card and go!'
          'Quick grab a pet loss card and put it in your purse.'
'Ed will think I'm a weirdo... "Here's a card for the wedding and I thought I should just get a 'Sorry, you lost your pet card.' just because...
          'Who cares?! Ed knows you are crazy. He likes it. Buy a pet card. You need a PET CARD!!"
'You are a card hoarder! Stop it!'
          'Get a pet card. Someone needs it. You'll use it.'

I put down the pet cards. I bought a nice wedding card, grabbed a gift card and a sprite and got back in the car in record time.

We get to the wedding and I sit down happily at a table full of strangers. I LOVE strangers.
Ed is always dumbfounded at the amount of time it takes for strangers to become my friends. I LOVED our table. We sat outside by lake and it rained. We introduced ourselves, made awkward jokes, told stories about our family memories (which are always easier to tell to strangers with alcohol), we found common interests, told about recent divorces, job changes, child births, etc. Then there it was. This dear, darling woman who I felt like I already knew with happy, reddish spiky hair and a rather quiet husband almost cried talking about how she just lost her dog.
My heart sunk.

  .....'See, I told you!'

ArrrHHHH!!! 

I could have reached down in my purse and afterwards handed her an awesome card!!! I could have said, God told me I needed to get this card because He knew I would be meeting you. He knows that your heart is broken. He loves you and knows you loved your dog. His heart is sad cause yours is sad. And here, I got you this card. And I secretly believe dogs are in heaven and maybe they even have voices up there. And when we get there they will tell us how they loved us and have been waiting up there for us.


That would have been crazy, but crazy wonderful. She would have never forgot that. Few things in life compare to how sad it can be to lose a pet. Just try not to cry through that episode of the 'Wonder Years'
I just was kicking myself all the way home from the wedding.

Why is it that I hear God's voice so clearly for weird little things like that, but not big things?? Why don't I just do those things instead of argue like a lunatic with the God whisper voice? I should know by now that what I think is a weird little thing is not weird or little at all. That would have been a huge, amazing thing if I did that at the wedding to a complete stranger.

Even weirder... my dear little guinea pig is struggling to breathe downstairs right now as I write this. I've had her since Mother's day when Ed and I were dating. I've called her Mama Bear. It is just sooooo sad. I know God knows every little sparrow that falls... I want to go pet her during her last little breaths but I just can't bear it. Suffering. God can't bear it either.

day 15. "whew...that was lucky!" x3

Sooo lucky #1: I got up out of bed faster then normal and was all excited like it was a field trip day. Today I went to my first real dog show. I won't even begin to describe the depth of my dorkness when it comes to dog breeds, traits etc. I've had it on the calendar for months. I mainly wanted to go to bring my dear Bridget for a heart/eye exam and make sure she is okay to breed pups. The dog show watching was a big bonus.
My dream dog (Bridget: King Charles Cavalier) who normally costs between $700-1100 dollars, and I just was pretty much given her through rather sketchy means, got a 'PERFECT' on her vet check sheet. Perfect heart. Soooo exciting. Now all she needs is an STD test with her future boyfriend then she'll be already for her one night with the king. I 'm sooo excited/nervous to breed my first dog, I was anticipating that she wouldn't do well on these exams this morning since she was a mess when we got her. I'm so lucky. I'm gonna get to have PUPPIES of my most favorite dog ever soon!!! AHH! So excited. (If you want to buy one please let me know, I'm not allowed to keep them. Family-friends get first dibs. Some have already been claimed and they aren't even created yet. That's love.) Anyway, I just love that the dog I could never afford or find and then just was handed Bridget, in perfect shape with amazing behavior!! Then I magically meet her a boyfriend. :) So now I don't only get my dream dog, I get to see puppies for the first time. Okay, enough 'I'm the luckiest dog owner ever' talk.

So lucky #2.  There is an unspoken rule at dog shows. "No babies allowed." Jovi was the only little human in  the entire place today! Not one other stroller in the whole fairgrounds! People had dog babies. Pushing them on carts in crates instead of strollers and constant barking everywhere instead of crying. While we were watching the competition, people were looking over at me like I was an idiot. "Why does she have a human baby here. Ugh! They are loud and messy.. what is she thinking?" I imagined the dog people's inner dialogue while Jovi smiled and waved at them like a happy, little walmart greeter. I thought about the atmosphere. People who spend all their time, money, efforts into grooming, training, breeding dogs. They have one moment to walk around a ring in front of a judge, try to keep their dog focused through any means possible and try to beat the competition and win 'best in show'. There I was with a baby, a camera and an unregistered dog just waiting for the best moment to distract their whole life's work. I was soooo lucky that Bridget didn't bark or even look at another dog and even luckier that my beloved 10 month old happily sat and drank her bottle. She waited to have a loud melt down til we were far away from the ring of pressure/fire. And it was incredibly lucky that right as I got there the breed I love was being shown in the circle. (There are 100+ breeds and this dog show goes on for 3 days!!) So it was amazing that at the moment I was there, the Cavaliers were on display. I was elated and really, really lucky to see my dogs I love and that my groupies didn't make a peep.

Sooo lucky #3: I went grocery shopping this afternoon with exactly $50 cash. This makes for a nerve-racking grocery shopping experience but is the best way to stay on budget. I had an exact list but I didn't add it up ahead of time. I didn't want to stress out about it. I put everything on the conveyor belt and just said a silent prayer in hopes of not going over.  i knew what were the costliest items and was preparing to remove them if needed. The cart filled up (because I was at Aldi's) and it came to a perfect $49.84!!! The lady behind me smiled an approving congratulations. That was lucky for sure.

 Sooo lucky. Sooo blessed.
nothing is a coincidence.

Sorry I get rhymey when it's late. Happy Weekend.

Day 14: one unspeakable amazing and one unspeakable explosion.

So a super huge non-coincidence happened today but it's a big one that effects quite a few people and I don't want to write it until all has panned out which could take some time...summarized: I got something in the mail that I asked God for earlier in the day. I'll explain later.

The other crazy coincidence is last night, after weeks and weeks of a sad looking crib with no bumpers or cute blankets, I spent quite a bit of time cleaning up Jovi's room. I put on fresh sheets, blankets and cleaned the carpet. I wiped the crib which sadly had actual dust blobs on it, cleaned the changing table and set up some toys around the edge. I know it's sad that I haven't done this in weeks but it's been really hot and she hasn't slept in her room anyway. It was magical to walk in there this morning, smell lavender and see the floor all clean.

You can just imagine what just so happened to transpire this afternoon. She took her nap, nothing out of the ordinary. She didn't fall asleep right away and I heard her through the monitor chatting to herself for awhile. But then after a long silence, I hear this crazy, wild screaming. I have never heard her cry like that before, I rushed in to a scene. It was a car wreck. Worse then a car wreck. It no longer smelled like lavender that's for sure. It smelled like eggs and unkept aquariums.  There it was all over everything: the crib, the wall, the sheets, the cute quilt, the bumper thing that I tied to each crib post last night. The humpty-dumpty pillow that my mom made and so lovingly embroided 'Jovi' in purple had it smeared across his poor humpty face. The super cute singing giraffe was not spared. The maracas has it splattered on them. Poopy toys thrown on the carpet. Worst of all. Her darling little face, her soaked pink dress and in her little tuft of hair there it was. The worst part was that it wasn't on her hands. Since it was everywhere else but she had clean hands...I almost threw up at the thought of where it had gone. It was everywhere. Her hands were in her mouth.  My GOD! I gasped. I'm the worst mom ever! How could this happen!! How long has this been going on?? (Funnier if you imagine the ACE song from the 70's) I immediately picked her up and held her under the faucet in the tub and rotated her around like a poopy pig roast. She laughed. I prayed she didn't eat it. I wrapped her up in her pink monster towel and went back in the room to survey the carnage. I thought about the clean up options and decided against laundry baskets and grabbed a lawn garbage bag from the pantry. The smell had magnified and it was now just about speed. The freshly cleaned blanket, sheet, bumper, clothes, stuffed animals, changing table cover...crammed in the washed on extra rinse/soak. Jovi just looked at me with big, wide open eyes.

Funny, how her room got the absolute dirtiest the day after it was the absolute cleanest. Why does that always seem to happen? This just feels like life to me. When we are calmest and cleanest and have it all together (or at least feel like we do) the next day is mayhem. Yesterday I was happy and not worrying all day about my job but today I was a dreadful mess. Jovi and her room recovered just fine. I am hoping tomorrow I'll be fine too.

day 13: wonder what's in erie, pennsylvania..

My sister made the mistake of getting me the most amazing journal for my birthday last year. It took me about one year to fill it, but I ran out of pages before my next birthday and I was super, super sad!  I wrote really small and never ripped out a page so I could keep it longer.  Journals become a part of me. I am a dork. It just perfectly captured my year because of the picture, words and quote on the front. (It had a girl with dreads, a head scarf, big earrings with 'Follow your Bliss' underneath her. That was exactly me, how I looked and what I did last year.  It was prophetic in a way and I loved it.

So I put a lot of pressure on her to find me another one for this year's birthday and I doubted her find at first (as I did with the other one), but it is of equal wonderfulness. It has a girl with a blank stare looking fake/dead and tons of branches and flowers coming out of her head. I know sounds ridiculous and I made fun of her a bit for it. There is only one word on the cover. WONDER.  But it has definitely suited me that past few months because that is literally all I've done. Wonder...what to do? if they'll call? where I'll go? who will watch Jovs? how will we pay this? should I do this instead? on and on and on... I think of tons of ideas sprouting out of my head daily, before breakfast perhaps and wonder if it would work. Ideas of this past week or so..(never-mind, I deleted them..obviously. they are all so juicy someone would steal them.) So, I'm already a little sad because I've been writing way more in my new journal then I ever did in the first one. I love it but hate that it will have a shorter life span because of my overuse of it. One more journal quality that is necessary to know: it is from this hard to find brand. www.papayaart.com They are around 20 bucks a piece online and my sister found it in some shop in Kentucky.

Non-coincidence: So I had to drive out to Erie, PA to pick up my dear husband from his bagpipe extravaganza weekend that took place in Canada and he got a ride with a friend down to Erie.  I planned the pick up better then the previous drop off and thought about Jovi's nap times. I left right before her nap so she'd happily slept on the way there. It was a success, I listened to a few chapters of a book and Jovi snored away. But then we got there about 2 hours early.  I loath being early to anything. What to do in Erie for 2 hours with an infant and zero money and 90 degrees outside?? Hm... Then there it was, only 2 miles from the place of Ed pick up, a giant T.J.Maxx. Glorious. So Jovi and I took to wandering around the store with a left over birthday gift card :)
While I was wandering, I got a gust of bravery in my contented state. So I called the place that I had my interview last week to see if they have filled the position. My insides were acting like they just got Parkinson's disease followed by a horrible sudden chill like I needed to go to the bathroom. Ring...Ring....but no one answered. Bittersweet. Relief but continued agony. I left a message, but no one called back either. I was sad. The thought that  'if I had the job they would have told me by now' completely filled my mind and spirit.  I could barely keep from crying. I just really want that job and I don't have another plan quite yet. There I stood unmoving in a random back corner of a T.J. Maxx in Erie, Pennsylvania. I've never been truly sad in a T.J. Maxx. My throat was burning like my dad just belittled me as a child. 'Don't cry, Amy. You are in public. Look at Jovi. Laugh with her about something. Get it together.' My eye caught the bottom shelf and there it was. The exact WONDER journal that I got for my birthday. The exact brand that I've never seen in a store. On clearance for only $ 4.50!!  At that moment it was exactly what I needed. It was like I could hear God, "Here wonder some more, Amy. Got any more ideas??"