super good one..day 3

Today we reached a new financial low...I don't want to be to personal about this, but anyone who has/does roll the solo-income lifestyle knows this turmoil. I haven't been this poor since college when I was hunting for laundry money like a scavenger and rejoicing over quarters like they were gold. I was getting teary eyed today after I cooked up a really lame breakfast for dinner meal (although omelets and bacon are wonderful). I was about to pour myself a good glass of wine to really mope and watch an old, distracting movie. Then I decided that's not who I am and what I do, I should probably go pray awhile. Now Jovi doesn't exactly make allowances for me to go and pray, so she just happily destroyed the dining room while I tried to focus my thoughts awhile.  I prayed for a magical way for us to somehow get by for a bit and for Ed to either get a better job or my school district to finally call me about my job so my nerves rest. Then Jovi found a paper and started eating it really fast like a classmate of mine who use to eat his 'weekly reader' in first grade before the whole class even got theirs. The paper Jovi found had a rebate visa card attached from when we bought our cell phones. It fell behind a trunk I never open. I took it from her and got excited for gas money. Then in my usual quick-to-get distracted-away from prayer-time manner thought I should go through that trunk I never open and see if there's anything good to throw in for the garage sale next weekend. In the trunk was everything I threw left from our wedding and honeymoon. Cards, trinkets, hotel souvenirs, fake flowers, ribbons, honey jars and then 5 checks fell on the ground that were stuck to the bottom of a card box. 5 uncashed checks. Yes, they were from 2 years ago so I contacted the people who wrote them. They all so far have laughed and said, "Sure, please cash it." So the adventure continues and we magically make it to another paycheck. Faith is so much like the steps appearing under Indiana Jones' feet when he walked over the cliff. What if I didn't take the time to pray and put Jovi in that room? Not that God would not have provided if I would have drank wine and moped but maybe it would have been a harder. cheers. I thanked God after as I pondered these happening and drank my wine anyway.

super weird...day two.

Many people, who I deemed a little whimsical and spooky, have told me how they are followed by certain numbers throughout their lives. The same number is an address, license plate, phone number, birth day etc. It becomes like their lucky number or something like that. I never had a number stalker and truthfully I live the majority of my life without acknowledging their kind.  I like words. Accountant husband can like the numbers. The past few weeks though a certain number started being a creepy little lurker. And now it’s just always everywhere and is just weird.

My baby usually wakes up around 7, or 8 if I’m lucky but for a few days in row she woke up and the clock (which is digital and has enormous neon numbers) said 6:26. I only noticed because that was my birthday and I was dreaded it. I turned 30. So there it began the 6:26. That day I only looked at my watch once and it was 6:26pm. I shrugged it off that is was a little weird. The next day I got a wrong number (which doesn’t happen very often in cell phone world) and the area code was 626. That was really weird.  I don’t know anyone in California. So it continued. The times I would end up being somewhere I would look down at my watch at that time. The weirdest thing was I meet this lovely kindred spirit lady who breeds cavaliers and we became friends. She said randomly in conversation without me saying anything that her favorite number is 26. I thought that was weird because I haven’t heard anyone say they have a  favorite number since like grade school and she is like in her 60’s. Later that week my friend’s car broke down and he wanted me to pick him up somewhere and of course when I got in the car it was 6:26pm. I was starting to get mad because I didn’t want to be reminded of my birthday.  He was the first one I told of my weird number problem. He told me to look up 6:26 in the bible. I thought that was profound and intriguing and I immediately thought of Matthew and that maybe it was the ‘seek first the kingdom’ verse. I really didn’t want it to be that verse though because I’ve been bickering with God about this whole seek- first and all other things will be added unto you- business. So Matthew 6:26 is the verse, ‘Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? This was gold to me because I have been seriously on the verge of a panic attack lately because I’m sooo anxious about money, jobs, babies, debt..ugh. The pressure is unbearable and I don’t know what to do.  I love that verse that God always takes care of the birds and they don’t sow, reap, or store away stuff but they are always feed. I am more valuable that them.  The 626 or 26 is still following me, it came to me twice today and I say that verse to myself. I have not been as worried about my job or our lack of funds.

Weird coincidence: there was a dead bird  next to my back door last week. I hated that. It felt like an eerie omen and I was conflicted in thought. "God, you are suppose to take care of them."

Super weird bonus... right before I pushed ' publish post' by dog walked behind the couch and unplugged my laptop and it immediately died. I figured it was all deleted but it wasn't. The timing of my dog was just amazing though.

not coincedence #1 reoccuring violet

The weirdness of the first non-coincidence can only be realized if I first confess a weird nightly ritual I have had since the beginning of this year. Anyone who knows me knows I am in love with my dear Bridget who is a King Charles Cavalier. But not everyone knows of my addiction to puppyfind.com. Here it is. I must not be ashamed. I nightly rank my favorite dogs. I rank them by their colors, breeders, registration, location and price. I have it down to an art really. I can pick the dog that will be bought within a day because it is the perfect one for breeding or showing. I know most all the local breeders and the national ones too. I have been debating since Bridget came into my life if I should breed her so I read a lot about the breed. I have an abundance of Bridget puppy-wanters already and I did find her the perfect one night stand/companion but she is not registered so I don't feel completely confident about bringing little ones into the world. So, I daydream about my perfect girl who could grow old with Bridget and make legitimate glorious pups. Many Cavalier owners who become smitten by their dog end up with one in every color. There are 4 kinds of Cavaliers. Bridget is a Ruby. So anyway I play a little game before bed and eliminate all the dogs down to one. It's challenging (one out of around 600), unwinding (because it has nothing at all to do with my infant or my career) and makes me very happy.  "If I had to pick one dog which one would it be?” The chosen dream dog almost always gets purchased by someone immediately and I grieve that I can’t visit the picture anymore and have to find a new favorite. This leads me to my first bizarre coincidence.

The other day I ended up through a weird series of events at my in-laws house. The weird series began with our dog running away, highway fence jumping, a case of aggressive poison ivy, steroids, and finally urgent care. So an Aunt who I have only spoken to about twice since I’ve been married so happened to be at my ma/pa inlaw’s house and we started talking about our favorite names for kids. I said I love the name Violet because it’s another adjective , there’s a ‘v’ in it, the nickname ‘Vi’ is lovely and I love the color too.  Her response was how she always wanted triplets and would name them, Rose, Violet and Lily. She kept going about how she liked those 3 names together.  I thought she is as quirky as me which is refreshing, but I didn’t know what to respond, so her comment was the conversation capstone. I came home and before bed did my little puppy find imaginary hunt. Three new dogs posted that same day. Three little girl pups named Rose, Violet and Lily. They were from Ohio too. And Violet was my perfect pick out of all 600+ dogs. She is the color, registration, facial structure, location and breeding that I look for in my little game. What are the chances of that??? Not that this means I will magically get this pup (I wouldn't mind that). But it just made me think God is aware of my little thoughts and what makes me happy. As I am made so happy from my Cavalier dreaming, God is delighting in me and made happy from me.  I really don’t know what that super weird coincidence means... but it smells like something of God to me.  http://www.puppyfind.com/view_listing/?sid=920b75ff62cc4253bb8b3c2740b49ed9 

The beginning of my 30 daily not coincedences

I was in a bet with someone and we had to write in a blog everyday for 30 days. That was my dream last night. It was a weird dream and when I woke up I thought I should do that because I have been really bad at writing in the blog that I was initially really excited about starting. I am always an excited starter of things. Sigh. So I will be writing everyday for the next 30 days about the crazy little happenings of God speaking to me throughout my day and in my dreams as well. God is always speaking and I becoming more attune to listening lately and the conversation are just undeniably crazy, amazing and need to be shared. There are SO many funny not coincidences that happen to me consistently and that dream got me excited to write them.

  The preface to this is that throughout my life I am ALWAYS asking some form of the question, 'God, what should I do or what do you think about this??' My life metaphor has been a Choose your own Adventure book (for those of you who missed out on the joy of childhood in the 80's, it's a series of books that after you read one chapter it has you answer a question about how you want to decide the next step of the adventure and then you turn to the chapter with your decision). I was and still am so very indecisive, not because I don't know what I want but because I don't want to miss anything. (Same reason I didn't shower much in college. I didn't want to be dirty I just didn't want to miss anything exciting in the dorms.) So, these books and life are frustrating to me because if you choose one chapter then you automatically miss another one!!! I would read all the options of the book and my friends would yell at me because I cheated. 

All this to say that I am again at another end of a chapter in life and I have to decide which chapter is next. Sadly in my usual manner, I have been smacked with gusts of anxiety, then fear, worry, depression, repeat... and almost completely paralyzed by this cycle. I have made pro and con lists, played magic 8 ball with the bible and asked my husband,...'ready, set, say yes or no...go!' Still, I have no idea what to do next.

I don't know what to decide yet but I know God is alive and speaking and cares about my answer.  I have sooooo many not coincidences that I can't wait to share but the first one that I will start with is that I decided this morning I will write this blog and make it about there not being coincidences. Then this morning I only got to be in church for a little blurb of the sermon because we had to be at an aftenoon wedding and the part of the sermon I sat in for was the pastor saying, "There is nothing that happens by accident. God speaks through movies, a billboard, anything...just listen." Which is exactly what my little blogo will be about so be excited...stay tuned. This will be juicy and hilarious. 

I can't imagine how my mom must feel looking down at Jovi. Jovi who is going to get married someday and wear a beautiful dress and most suredly make me cry. Jovi who will someday have a baby of her own. My baby will grow up. My mom's babies grew up (sort of). The cycle of life/time should not be so overwhelming but it just is.
In my little life I've come to believe that we just weren't made for time. We couldn't be because the passing of it is just unbearable. "God has set eternity in their hearts." I sing that verse to some made-up tune as I rock Jovi in the rocking chair, next to my little lamp that was in my room next to the chair my mom rocked me in. Every other song I can think of usually just makes me cry because my grandma sung them to my mom who sung them to me and I can't even fathom how far back those silly songs go. Or worse I try to sing the songs my dad sung and then poor Jovi stares at me as I weep. I can't believe I am the singer. I can't believe I am now a mom. I am a the parent. I am now the singer of the songs. My dear mom is now a grandma. My dear daddy is no longer bound by time. My beloved grandma is the greatest and great-greatest grandma of masses. The timelessness of eternity is the most comforting thought to me and always makes me smile. Random unposed pictures have a way of just stopping time and life for a moment. Time that makes my throat burn and my eyes water. I love you, mom, so very much. I love you, grandmom. May I be such a wonderful mom as you both have been in my life time and may all we read this silly blog have a nice moment with their mom tomorrow when horrible time seems to stop for a moment.

Thank you, dreadlocks.

I've been thinking about it for months now. I am going to write this all down with rational thought before my emotions later get the best of me and I sentimentally regret my decision. I've grown out my dreads for 7 month now and have been sneakingly cutting some and combing them out. They are heavy, unkept and, no matter how many times I wash them, smelly. This makes me feel...heavy, unkept and smelly. I now want to feel free and light, clean and simple.

They have been through so much with me, grad. school, teaching, dating the man I'd marry, my wedding, having a baby, and burying my daddy. They've swam in many oceans and been twirled by many hands. They have started a bajillion beautiful conversations with many beautiful people. They have walked before me into rooms and people's impressions and have told them I am confident, creative, accepting of other cultures, brave, wild, natural, bold, strong, and beautiful. I thank them for that. It's as if my dreads have told my students at school that "my arms are wide open to you." My students, who at so many times feel like aliens to me, found common ground and comfort from my hair.  I will miss their silent, loud introduction and portrayal of me to people I don't know. I will miss being 'the girl with dreads' and being easily seen in a crowd by people looking for me. I hope I do not lose my sense of power and strength from chopping off 5 years worth of hair.

Jovi giving them a goodbye squeeze.

I most loved when they offended people. I loved when older people and very white people looked at me confused and said or thought "Why doesn't she cut them off?". I loved the snobbery they provoked. The lady who asked me if I'd like to work for housekeeping instead of having my wedding at her lame-yuppo golf course. The mailman who asked me assholely on my front porch if I spoke Ebonics too. The gorgeous Jamaican woman in Belize who hugged me so deeply as if Id known her my whole life and smiled at me so big and warmly as she played with my hair. She told my husband he was a lucky man. No other white lady walking into their country received such a warm welcome.  When I walked into an art gallery and told the worker that I liked to paint and she said, "Of course you do." I will miss the constant "glares" and double takes from big, beautiful black men or swoony stares and comments from the fellas from a drug/alcohol/punky/hippy scene. The awkward moments from women who misunderstood my confidence and hit on me. The constant moments of being asked for a lighter. The teenagers in grocery stores, shopping malls and hallways who with jealousy or curiosity say, "How long did that take?" or "They look really cool." The snobbercrombie/hollister-ballesster guys who thought/said my hair was gross and repulsive and my favorite abercrombie-loving man who thought they were hot. I most appreciated the magic door they opened for me with my beloved African American sisters who may not have otherwise known that I was so very approachable, accepting and in love with their culture. I love black hairshops. I will miss them so. I love being the only white person in a salon. I love getting my hair done with a crochet hook instead of a straightener. I loved that the students, teachers and even principal thought I was the art teacher. I loved my sweet moments with Jovs as she'd twirl my dreads in her teeny fingers and sweetly, calmly stare right in my eyes. Thank you dreadlocks for the many,many memories. Thank you for helping me to feel the most like myself then I ever have in my life. I am comforted by the fact that I have dear friends who have tightened my dreads and will gladly put them right back in if I'm not as comfortable with my hair in strands. Thank you dreads for reassuring in me that I am brave, strong, creative and wild. Thank you dreads for looking so good with ribbons and pearls on my wedding day that I had dreamed about. Thank you for needing so little attention while my baby needed every second of the day in the beginning. I am excited about my next hair story. I'm excited to now have the shortest hair that I have ever had in my life. So hair spikes I welcome you. Let the story begin.

Snowed In

Ah. Listening to the sounds of neighbors' roaring slow blowers and scrapping shovels, Jovi and I are snuggled up wearing our fleece stripped pajamas and refusing to do anything productive. Mr. Lunch just threw up a piece of lettuce that I told him not to eat. Rudy has been in a warm coil on the couch all day. I decided this morning that I really love my life. I cried and told Jovi all about it. I really thought I would lose my mind being a stay at home mom. I heard the voices of my mom and many others' "You have all that education, now you're going to waste it." And yet I shockingly have won again the thoughts that tell me I'm lazy, a failure or ineffective/unproductive in my faith because I am home. I feel grateful for this precious time. I don't have to wake up early, clean off my car and wear uncomfortable high heels. I don't have to act like someone else all day. I don't have to be in control of a million things.  I just get to watch Jov change. Her little lip pouts, quivering chin, and now the constant raspberries. This is the first time in my whole life I think I've stopped. High School to Undergrad to Pre-Reqs to Grad. School to Teaching.. There went my 20's in a cloud of accomplishment-driven dust. And now I sit with my greatest little accomplishment and try not to think about what next. Just sitting in fleece jammies watching the snow fall. What a freakin' good day.