Day 10: not coincedence: Moving wood chip and plaster.

Here it is the end of July. Tomorrow is the month that will hold the drastic change. One whole year has gone by and I thought I would have a decision made way before this day. The end of my dear, dear Jovial days will come. Everyday will not feel like Saturday. My daily jovial routine that is so beautifully established and serene will be gone. I am scared and so very sad. I am pretty good at change, but this one will be a rough especially since I still have NO IDEA what I'll be doing. As much as I am a lover of change, I equally love preparation and planning time. Marinating and brewing on ideas and lessons is needed in my field of work and without that time stress levels, blood pressure, my weight all sky rocket. Oh, Lord.  At church the verse 'Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees' and the quote of 'own your own destiny' stood out to me.  I just don't know what path to choose and my confirmations are mixed signals. I didn't notice a huge coincedence today.

The only coincidence was this tiny microscopic thing that began and ended my day. This morning when I woke up, barely seeing clearly, I looked down and saw a little woodchip (guinea pig bedding) MOVING across the bathroom floor. I rubbed my eyes and put in my contacts, but it was still moving. There was this extremely tiny little ant, the almost unseeable kind, just working so hard so early this morning. The little guy was slowly struggling under the weight of the tiny wood chip. I was tired and crabby (just because it was morning) and thought about him for a second. Then I smashed him and flushed him down the toilet.

 I felt a little evil but I didn't want him inviting his little friends over and throwing a party in my bathroom. He was the only one that I saw even after I swept the floor and examined everywhere for his family/friends. I thought that was odd. One lonely guy with this lone wood chip.

Then tonight before going up to bed, I went to the bathroom and a tiny piece of plaster is moving toward me. What are they doing with wood chips and plaster really!? Why could they need it so desperately to work so hard at this? Again he was the only one. I watched him struggle and wondered if I could help him go a specific direction.  I let him live.

Whenever I see ants I always think of how tiny I am in the huge scheme of the world. All the people, places. ideas from all the past, present and future just make my world shrink. I feel so very small and yet I think what I carry (my work) is soooo important that I worry about it all the time. I know what you are thinking. "They felt like grasshoppers in their own eyes"  Yes, yes. It is such a paradox because I carry the very presence of God and this has HUGE, eternal ramifications. And yes, God does not see me as an ant at all but someone  of great value and worth. Yes, worth dying for. No one is small in God's perspective but does it even matter so much what I do, where I work??  God is HUGE and is everywhere.

This was a rabbling blog. I apologize. But I hope I won't see anything move across the bathroom floor tomorrow and I hope I'll find out what my load will be this year.

Day 9: Love Lavelle

I believe nothing happens on accident but I don't know what the something is to why the non-coincidences happen. Yesterday was a very weird one.

In the back of my mind almost all the time, I think about baby names. I've done this most of my life even as a kid. In the back of every journal is a list of names that I would name my kids at that stage of my life. I love names. Now that I can actually name my dear little humans, it's even more exciting. Jovial is my favorite adjective and I liked Jovi for short. I really like names with 'V' in them. So now as I ponder Jovi's future siblings I think about 'V's as their common letter. My grandma from Ireland's last name was Lavelle. I always thought that was so cool. She has bright red hair and was quirky and cute. She said most of the people in her city in Ireland all had that name. It was very common. I pondered it as a first name but 'Lavi' just isn't nice nor is 'Velle'. Then I looked up 'lovella' or 'lovelle' who could get called 'love' for short or 'lovie'. It means loved and adored one. Who wouldn't want to be called that everyday of their life? I got excited but before my excitement grew I voiced my idea to Ed in the car yesterday.
'What do you think of the name Lovella?'
 'I've never heard of it or had a thought about it. I'll need to think about it awhile.'
That was a fair response. I thought I'd give him background and tell him about my grandma and her irish last name. Then I looked out the window and a semi was next to us. The whole side of the semi said 'LAVELLE' in really big letters. I don't remember the company or product, but it was just really bizarre to look over and see that.

Day 8: Busy with no plans.

Today my only prayer was to be distracted and not think about the job interview. "Did I get it or not??!!!" I've been analyzing the Q and A's over and over again. Thinking about what my life would look like if I got it and what it would like if I didn't.
 Everyday I make a to-do list. I am one of those people. I use to think stay at home moms had the dream life of nothing but kiddos and peace/quiet...I was so arrogant and ignorant. I am so busy everyday that it's unbelievable and the patience testing war that goes on is comparable to any 'job' I've ever had. But today I didn't make a to-do list for the first time in a long, long time. I just wanted to relax, read, write, drink coffee and get some more stuff together for the garage sale. My thoughts would not stop about the job.I couldn't focus on anything and I couldn't even sit and drink my coffee. That is a new low for me.

Then without my consent, my day began. I let the dogs out, Mr. Lunch digs a hole under the fence and runs away. I get Jovi cleaned off from breakfast put her in the stroller to look for Lunch and he comes right to me thankfully. Ed calls with a car crisis. I drove out  half hour to his work, stopped at store to get car part, store was closed, but saw one of my old students in the parking lot who didn't recognize me at all. :( I got sad. Then bucked up and  found another store, traded cars, and visited with my friend who just had a baby. It's impossible to have any negative or worried thoughts when you are holding a newborn. The newness rubs onto you and you see everything clear and simple. Ah....I drive back to car mechanic place which is 45 minutes away. My phone dies before I get there. My mom picks me up so I don't have to sit at creepy car place with Jovs. I helped put together garage sale and then back to car place. Car estimation to be fixed: $1600. It's impossible to think of anything else when someone quotes you that price unexpectedly. I picked up the car and got a complimentary air freshener without getting it fixed. I couldn't check my phone ALL DAY! What if they called! Argh! I get home, feed Jovi and phone rings before it even charged up. I jump up inside like it's the job calling to tell me....!!! It was a friend who was getting his motorcycle fixed up and needed a ride out to pick it up. I pack up poor Jovi again, who cried for the first time getting into her car seat and we drove a little bit away. It was 8pm before I thought about the job. The entire day flew bye and felt wasted.  I accomplished nothing today. But I did accomplish my goal of not thinking about the job. This is my least favorite coincidence so far but it seemed odd to be running around with displaced vehicles all day.

Day 7: a writer from ohio and a job decision.

So I had to watch a movie tonight. I have been suppressing my movie moods lately and I absolutely had to watch a random one tonight after jovi fell asleep. Ed wouldn't of course join me because there was a high heel on the cover.

"The Devil wears Prada" was my pick. I haven't watched a movie in a really long time and I forget how I get really into whatever movie I watch. I subconsciously find similarities between myself and the heroine, I find similar qualities in the co-stars that my friends have and so on. I like to sit and ponder movies after I see them about how they relate to me and what they make me think. The girl began as a fruppy "chubby" writer from Ohio and lost herself because of a job she didn't really want but thought she had to take to help her get to wherever it was she wanted to go. The movie's climax was really the very last scene where she walks away from it all and cuts all ties. She is thankful for her experience but in a moment made a huge decision. She even gave away all her awesome work clothes.

Now there was no villain at my job who wore Prada or anything like that, but the past few days since my interview I feel like I may not get it. And that it may not be what I wanted after all and that it would change me into someone that I wouldn't like.  I will be excited either way because I have spiced up my plan B but I just like my fruppy, writing self from Ohio. I don't miss dressing up everyday and pretending to be professional with all my strength. A few weeks ago I packed up a lot of my clothes for a garage sale.

Daruis Rucker sandwich with the questionable center.

The day of the awaited interview comes but I wake up with indifference instead of excitement. This is just very weird. This job is the most logical, best paying, least time-consuming, most my passion and just makes the most sense for goodness sakes!! and I finally get the interview. I had good coffee/reading/discussions with God about my contradicting self while Jovi ate her breakfast. I get on my nice suit (with the tags still on it) with shiny shoes and get Jovi equally dolled up because it makes me happy. I savored every little moment with Jovi this morning for whatever reason and got all teary eyed for no reason. Then on my way to drop off Jovi to be watched while I am interviewing,  the song by lovely Darius Rucker, "It won't be like this for long" comes on. I tried to turn it and was completely powerless. UGH! The words of that song just beat me up inside. Don't anybody watch the video. My nice professional self got ruined by mascara. "Get yourself together, Amy! This is what people do! They have kids and they go to work all day to pay for the kid. It will be all right."  I get sadder because I wish I could call my dad but if he were alive, his comments wouldn't be encouraging anyway. But he'd give me a good 'buck up, kid.' So by the time I drop off my pumpkin and then get to the interview, I was mentally exhausted just from thinking. My thoughts actually leave me winded as if I just exercised. The interview went fine, not amazing and not terrible just middle of the road, I'd say.  Just like always when I'm about to get what I thought I wanted, I think of all the things I then won't be able to have. (I told you life always feels like a Choose your own adventure novel to me.) So I of course think what I  won't have if I get the job: my cherished mornings with Jovi, my cavalier cuddling time, my Jovial play time, laughing in the sun room before the heat of the day, watch Jovi crawl around and chase Mr. Lunch, the front porch in the afternoon and Jovi stares down all the neighborhood kids that she will play with soon as she can catch up to them. I almost felt like crying again.  Then another Hootie song comes on as I leave the interview "Alright". (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etr7UtnUflM&ob=av2e)  It's about all the things in life you don't need and how he already has everything he wants. UGH! I should stay home, be poor and it will be all right. alright.  I stop at my house quick and get out of the nice suit because I will be taking it back (gasp!) tomorrow and cleaned all the marks from the shiny shoes which (gasp! gasp!) have to go back as well. I've never done this before don't be to mad at me.  Then I go back out to pick up my delicious Jovi. The 'Alright' song plays again during dinner and it cheers up my churning spirit. So we'll see what happens next. I'm sure it will all work out fine.

Sidenote coincidence: Today Jovi took her first 6 steps in a row and today Jovi took her first 2 major falls one off a couch and one off a porch. :( Neither falls would have happened if I didn't have the interview. But it's all right. alright! I got a roof over my head, the fella I love laying in my bed and it's all right...all right. I got shoes under my feet..."

Non-coincedence day 6: Juicy center of a Michael Jackson Sandwich.

Day starts at 6:30am Saturday morning. Key word is Saturday.  Jovi jumping up and down in her make-shift pack n' play bed infront of the airconditioner, staring right at me and whiny crying. Ed is gone and the busy dog is missing. The lazy orange dogs and I tried to finish our dreaming but were unsuccessful. Jovi wins. I barely make it down the stairs with my drunken state of sleep. There is my beloved listening to Michael Jackson, 'The way you make me feel.’ My husband is a morning person.  I grumble sleep talk said “if you are up, you can take Jovi with you when she is up too…grumble, grumble.” It is impossible to be angry with the Michael and his ‘uhh-chunkaohhh’  going on in the background. 

Middle of the day at 3:30pm I get a random restricted phone call that I question and decide against answering. That was it. After weeks of phone calls, emails and unspeakable worrying and future planning, the human resource director calls me late on a Saturday afternoon.  The message said I have an interview the day after tomorrow. Trying not to think about the weirdness/unprofessionalness of a restricted Saturday afternoon phone call and a one day preparation time, I am soooo excited! It just seems funny that after an entire year that I could have known what I was doing, had a nice comfortable plan and been ready, I get a random Saturday afternoon call.  When I finally let all the stress and worry go a bit and decide to float along trusting God, I get a crazy call. That is just like how God speaks to me sometimes. When I fight so desperately for what I want him to say and when I want him to say it, it’s like trying to catch a fruit fly. I never catch it and just get end up feeling frustrated, annoyed, exhausted and alone.  But when I just let him speak and I just relax and listen, the peace and calm of his way just lands on me and I am elated.

Day ends 11:30pm driving home from our fabulous dinner with young married couples where we had delicious food and conversation. The radio on scan blares dear Michael with ‘the way you make me feel’. Again I say, it is just impossible to not be happy when that song plays. I loved that song as the book mark to my day. I highly recommend anyone who reads this to go listen to that song.  Ed and I will be working on a choreographed dance for our next wedding day dancing extravaganza. There is so much to be excited for in my life. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nie9lKPifg 

non coincedence day 5

Well, I just had a lovely gathering of ladies at my house and we chatted for hours. It was wonderful and I am still contemplating the conversations. My day flew bye and I just sat down with nothing to report about a shining coincidence of the day.  I said to my husband, "I have nothing to write about that happened today." He sat down across from me on the other couch and looked at me with a blank, gawking stare with one hand in the couch cushion. "Here it is!" he said and then pulled his debit card out of the couch cushion. Our spouse hobby is looking for things. We lose everything. Wallets, car keys, bills, phone numbers, business cards, reeds, hats, bagpipe outfit stuff, pacifiers, credit cards and the list could just keep going. The most recent was the debit card incident which is quite a tragedy. We ripped apart the house late last night and continued when we woke up this morning. We tore apart every level of the house, past worn clothing items, both cars and not until this one moment was it found. This one perfect moment when I said that no coincidence happened to me today. Ed sits down right in that spot and sees the card. That doesn't seem like a coincidence at all.

nice coincedence-- day 4

When a person goes to look at a house, it is impossible to really get a good feel of the neighborhood. You need to sleep in a house and sit on the porch for a week but real estate agents don't let you do that. After we bought our house we soon discovered we are surrounded by some serious neighbors. Cops cars, screaming, cop chases, domestic abuse and I won't even mention the fourth of July incident. It can be summarized to say there is just yelling from all sides of the house, all hours of the day and night. It is the soundtrack of our home and mildly frustrating at times. But I prefer the life and personality of living in the city opposed to the suburban house hiding. But after almost two years of living in our house our interactions with neighbors seem to be only as the occasion separator of fights. It's hard to pull myself from my suburban house hiding tendencies.  I've been praying for some common ground and that we could be friends with our neighbors who seem to be from another planet at times.

Old brick houses in the summer are like actual furnaces so everyone has been outside doing anything possible to stay cool. The blow up kiddie pool across the street was calling to me so I slapped a good swimmer diaper and sun hat on Jovi and there we were all afternoon. I don't want to negatively describe my neighbors, it is sufficient to say they really just yell all the time. But after some kiddie pool banter, my neighbor and I discovered we are gonna be good friends. We have almost the same birthday and we both turned 30 this year. We talked about how sad that day was and then immediately talked about something else. We shared how hard it is to be on one income but how much harder it is to imagine someone else getting paid to love our kids all day. She has a family member who is obsessed with King Charles Cavaliers, like me. She said she secretly loves my little dog and would love a puppy after I mentioned Bridget could have babies soon. We chatted all afternoon. This isn't a huge shocking coincidence but more the obvious repercussions of what happens when someone crosses the street and sits in someone else's backyard. But we just easily found so much in common and sometimes that takes a long time in conversations with a stranger.  I am just really thankful and excited to know my neighbors better and maybe have a new house soundtrack instead of daydreaming about house hiding out in the woods or burbs somewhere.

super good one..day 3

Today we reached a new financial low...I don't want to be to personal about this, but anyone who has/does roll the solo-income lifestyle knows this turmoil. I haven't been this poor since college when I was hunting for laundry money like a scavenger and rejoicing over quarters like they were gold. I was getting teary eyed today after I cooked up a really lame breakfast for dinner meal (although omelets and bacon are wonderful). I was about to pour myself a good glass of wine to really mope and watch an old, distracting movie. Then I decided that's not who I am and what I do, I should probably go pray awhile. Now Jovi doesn't exactly make allowances for me to go and pray, so she just happily destroyed the dining room while I tried to focus my thoughts awhile.  I prayed for a magical way for us to somehow get by for a bit and for Ed to either get a better job or my school district to finally call me about my job so my nerves rest. Then Jovi found a paper and started eating it really fast like a classmate of mine who use to eat his 'weekly reader' in first grade before the whole class even got theirs. The paper Jovi found had a rebate visa card attached from when we bought our cell phones. It fell behind a trunk I never open. I took it from her and got excited for gas money. Then in my usual quick-to-get distracted-away from prayer-time manner thought I should go through that trunk I never open and see if there's anything good to throw in for the garage sale next weekend. In the trunk was everything I threw left from our wedding and honeymoon. Cards, trinkets, hotel souvenirs, fake flowers, ribbons, honey jars and then 5 checks fell on the ground that were stuck to the bottom of a card box. 5 uncashed checks. Yes, they were from 2 years ago so I contacted the people who wrote them. They all so far have laughed and said, "Sure, please cash it." So the adventure continues and we magically make it to another paycheck. Faith is so much like the steps appearing under Indiana Jones' feet when he walked over the cliff. What if I didn't take the time to pray and put Jovi in that room? Not that God would not have provided if I would have drank wine and moped but maybe it would have been a harder. cheers. I thanked God after as I pondered these happening and drank my wine anyway.

super weird...day two.

Many people, who I deemed a little whimsical and spooky, have told me how they are followed by certain numbers throughout their lives. The same number is an address, license plate, phone number, birth day etc. It becomes like their lucky number or something like that. I never had a number stalker and truthfully I live the majority of my life without acknowledging their kind.  I like words. Accountant husband can like the numbers. The past few weeks though a certain number started being a creepy little lurker. And now it’s just always everywhere and is just weird.

My baby usually wakes up around 7, or 8 if I’m lucky but for a few days in row she woke up and the clock (which is digital and has enormous neon numbers) said 6:26. I only noticed because that was my birthday and I was dreaded it. I turned 30. So there it began the 6:26. That day I only looked at my watch once and it was 6:26pm. I shrugged it off that is was a little weird. The next day I got a wrong number (which doesn’t happen very often in cell phone world) and the area code was 626. That was really weird.  I don’t know anyone in California. So it continued. The times I would end up being somewhere I would look down at my watch at that time. The weirdest thing was I meet this lovely kindred spirit lady who breeds cavaliers and we became friends. She said randomly in conversation without me saying anything that her favorite number is 26. I thought that was weird because I haven’t heard anyone say they have a  favorite number since like grade school and she is like in her 60’s. Later that week my friend’s car broke down and he wanted me to pick him up somewhere and of course when I got in the car it was 6:26pm. I was starting to get mad because I didn’t want to be reminded of my birthday.  He was the first one I told of my weird number problem. He told me to look up 6:26 in the bible. I thought that was profound and intriguing and I immediately thought of Matthew and that maybe it was the ‘seek first the kingdom’ verse. I really didn’t want it to be that verse though because I’ve been bickering with God about this whole seek- first and all other things will be added unto you- business. So Matthew 6:26 is the verse, ‘Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? This was gold to me because I have been seriously on the verge of a panic attack lately because I’m sooo anxious about money, jobs, babies, debt..ugh. The pressure is unbearable and I don’t know what to do.  I love that verse that God always takes care of the birds and they don’t sow, reap, or store away stuff but they are always feed. I am more valuable that them.  The 626 or 26 is still following me, it came to me twice today and I say that verse to myself. I have not been as worried about my job or our lack of funds.

Weird coincidence: there was a dead bird  next to my back door last week. I hated that. It felt like an eerie omen and I was conflicted in thought. "God, you are suppose to take care of them."

Super weird bonus... right before I pushed ' publish post' by dog walked behind the couch and unplugged my laptop and it immediately died. I figured it was all deleted but it wasn't. The timing of my dog was just amazing though.

not coincedence #1 reoccuring violet

The weirdness of the first non-coincidence can only be realized if I first confess a weird nightly ritual I have had since the beginning of this year. Anyone who knows me knows I am in love with my dear Bridget who is a King Charles Cavalier. But not everyone knows of my addiction to puppyfind.com. Here it is. I must not be ashamed. I nightly rank my favorite dogs. I rank them by their colors, breeders, registration, location and price. I have it down to an art really. I can pick the dog that will be bought within a day because it is the perfect one for breeding or showing. I know most all the local breeders and the national ones too. I have been debating since Bridget came into my life if I should breed her so I read a lot about the breed. I have an abundance of Bridget puppy-wanters already and I did find her the perfect one night stand/companion but she is not registered so I don't feel completely confident about bringing little ones into the world. So, I daydream about my perfect girl who could grow old with Bridget and make legitimate glorious pups. Many Cavalier owners who become smitten by their dog end up with one in every color. There are 4 kinds of Cavaliers. Bridget is a Ruby. So anyway I play a little game before bed and eliminate all the dogs down to one. It's challenging (one out of around 600), unwinding (because it has nothing at all to do with my infant or my career) and makes me very happy.  "If I had to pick one dog which one would it be?” The chosen dream dog almost always gets purchased by someone immediately and I grieve that I can’t visit the picture anymore and have to find a new favorite. This leads me to my first bizarre coincidence.

The other day I ended up through a weird series of events at my in-laws house. The weird series began with our dog running away, highway fence jumping, a case of aggressive poison ivy, steroids, and finally urgent care. So an Aunt who I have only spoken to about twice since I’ve been married so happened to be at my ma/pa inlaw’s house and we started talking about our favorite names for kids. I said I love the name Violet because it’s another adjective , there’s a ‘v’ in it, the nickname ‘Vi’ is lovely and I love the color too.  Her response was how she always wanted triplets and would name them, Rose, Violet and Lily. She kept going about how she liked those 3 names together.  I thought she is as quirky as me which is refreshing, but I didn’t know what to respond, so her comment was the conversation capstone. I came home and before bed did my little puppy find imaginary hunt. Three new dogs posted that same day. Three little girl pups named Rose, Violet and Lily. They were from Ohio too. And Violet was my perfect pick out of all 600+ dogs. She is the color, registration, facial structure, location and breeding that I look for in my little game. What are the chances of that??? Not that this means I will magically get this pup (I wouldn't mind that). But it just made me think God is aware of my little thoughts and what makes me happy. As I am made so happy from my Cavalier dreaming, God is delighting in me and made happy from me.  I really don’t know what that super weird coincidence means... but it smells like something of God to me.  http://www.puppyfind.com/view_listing/?sid=920b75ff62cc4253bb8b3c2740b49ed9 

The beginning of my 30 daily not coincedences

I was in a bet with someone and we had to write in a blog everyday for 30 days. That was my dream last night. It was a weird dream and when I woke up I thought I should do that because I have been really bad at writing in the blog that I was initially really excited about starting. I am always an excited starter of things. Sigh. So I will be writing everyday for the next 30 days about the crazy little happenings of God speaking to me throughout my day and in my dreams as well. God is always speaking and I becoming more attune to listening lately and the conversation are just undeniably crazy, amazing and need to be shared. There are SO many funny not coincidences that happen to me consistently and that dream got me excited to write them.

  The preface to this is that throughout my life I am ALWAYS asking some form of the question, 'God, what should I do or what do you think about this??' My life metaphor has been a Choose your own Adventure book (for those of you who missed out on the joy of childhood in the 80's, it's a series of books that after you read one chapter it has you answer a question about how you want to decide the next step of the adventure and then you turn to the chapter with your decision). I was and still am so very indecisive, not because I don't know what I want but because I don't want to miss anything. (Same reason I didn't shower much in college. I didn't want to be dirty I just didn't want to miss anything exciting in the dorms.) So, these books and life are frustrating to me because if you choose one chapter then you automatically miss another one!!! I would read all the options of the book and my friends would yell at me because I cheated. 

All this to say that I am again at another end of a chapter in life and I have to decide which chapter is next. Sadly in my usual manner, I have been smacked with gusts of anxiety, then fear, worry, depression, repeat... and almost completely paralyzed by this cycle. I have made pro and con lists, played magic 8 ball with the bible and asked my husband,...'ready, set, say yes or no...go!' Still, I have no idea what to do next.

I don't know what to decide yet but I know God is alive and speaking and cares about my answer.  I have sooooo many not coincidences that I can't wait to share but the first one that I will start with is that I decided this morning I will write this blog and make it about there not being coincidences. Then this morning I only got to be in church for a little blurb of the sermon because we had to be at an aftenoon wedding and the part of the sermon I sat in for was the pastor saying, "There is nothing that happens by accident. God speaks through movies, a billboard, anything...just listen." Which is exactly what my little blogo will be about so be excited...stay tuned. This will be juicy and hilarious.