Day 17: non coincedence--heart vice cashier.

So this non-coincidence is very upsetting and needs background information as usual.

The past 2 days I have been a Back-Pack monster. My churches goal is to give away 300 backpacks to Slavic village kids this Saturday!! We collected 125 from church folks so far.  I'm the excited organizer of the chaos and so with donation money in hand I set out on my adventure.  I bought 125 more backpacks and school supply stuffing yesterday. Such a simple thing to write but this was no easy task. No store just has 125 backpacks sitting there to buy. Glimpses of day include: cashier checking out 180 notebooks INDIVIDUALLY, emptying 4 Walgreen's shelves of 39 cent pencil boxes, ringing out 50 backpacks from a cosmetic counter,  counting 800 folders at Marcs. My faithful companion and I went to 12 stores. I always wanted to be on a shopping spree show when I was a kid. Shopping til you dropping..is actually pretty rough.  We were aiming for 300 but even I in all my scrimping couldn't squeeze 50 more backpacks.

I embraced the 250 and thanked God for all the generosity. I just really hoped for 300. Anyway, today I had to reverse shop (which is so not as fun) and return a few to many of this and pick up a few more of that. I had 50 extra 1 subject 20 cent notebooks from Walmart and thought I'll return them and pick up a few more backpacks to even the age groups. I needed to go to Target (20 cent pencil sharpeners), Walgreens (still needed more 39 cent pencil boxes), Marcs (return 100 folders), post office (half.com sell) and Kmart (25 cent crayons). POOOOR JOVI.

I wasn't going to stop at Walmart because 50 notebooks could easily find a home in any of the 240ish backpacks that are in my friend's living room right now. Walmart was not in the plan. I pulled in Walmart anyway. I hate when my car does that!  I thought fine..may as well return the notebooks and see if they have more backpacks...maybe we'll get 50 more somehow.

I walked in the door and rolled my notebook filled cart into customer service.

"MS. MOSS!!!!"

'Awwwee.' (My heart instantly gets all soft and mushy but no one can tell in Steelyard Walmart.)  'Hi Diamond..' (spelled: Dy' mond, I think.)

She was my poor cashier who had to return 50 notebooks and my former student who acted like this was completely normal because I was always doing weird stuff in class. We chatted about school, about her old friends, and her future plans. I got sooo sad.

I pushed my cart away and wanted to cry. I miss my students. I really miss my students. I can't even teach right now if I wanted too. I didn't want to feel like crying because then I just get really mad because of my unspoken job mess.

Then I get a call from a glorious generous lady (who didn't know how many backpacks we had), "Hey, I want to go shopping. I'm thinking 50 more backpacks. What else do you need?"

(Now remember I just returned 50 notebooks because I didn't have 50 more backpacks.)

"Well", I said to her while I was soberly drove away from Walmart and off to another store, "I need 50 notebooks to go in the backpacks. They are 20 cents at Walmart."

UGH! Why did I return those right now??!
Why did I have to run into a student that derailed my focus right now?
Why can't I just go back to teaching?!?
Why didn't she call me yesterday to tell me she wanted to go shopping? 
WHOOHOOOO 300 backpacks!!!

That was just a really weird coincidence.
 

day 16: Saturday's denied impulse buy

I have been missing moments and neglecting to document the crazy coincidences of the past days.
I have to rewind and share my regret about a crazy, crazy not-coincidence from the weekend.

Saturday, we attended wedding #5 of the summer :) Background to thicken the plot is just: I did not know a person at the wedding, we had to drive about an hour and Ed was going to play the bag pipes but didn't. It was one of Ed's neighborhood  growing up friends.  I totally forgot to get a gift card/card for the wedding, which is unlike me because I usually have cards/gifts waiting in advance but I'm slipping lately. So we had to go to Target in between the wedding and the reception, which wasn't convenient at all. We finally get to Target and we're frantically reading cards. There was not much time to properly card hunt since driving took so looooong. We were digging through wedding cards and for whatever reason, I was compelled by the loss of pet cards. The inner dialogue starting going a million miles an hour.
'Amy, focus on the task. Get a wedding card, fast.'
         'I should get a pet sympathy card. I don't have one of those in my collection.'
'Stop buying things you don't need. Pick a wedding card and go!'
          'Quick grab a pet loss card and put it in your purse.'
'Ed will think I'm a weirdo... "Here's a card for the wedding and I thought I should just get a 'Sorry, you lost your pet card.' just because...
          'Who cares?! Ed knows you are crazy. He likes it. Buy a pet card. You need a PET CARD!!"
'You are a card hoarder! Stop it!'
          'Get a pet card. Someone needs it. You'll use it.'

I put down the pet cards. I bought a nice wedding card, grabbed a gift card and a sprite and got back in the car in record time.

We get to the wedding and I sit down happily at a table full of strangers. I LOVE strangers.
Ed is always dumbfounded at the amount of time it takes for strangers to become my friends. I LOVED our table. We sat outside by lake and it rained. We introduced ourselves, made awkward jokes, told stories about our family memories (which are always easier to tell to strangers with alcohol), we found common interests, told about recent divorces, job changes, child births, etc. Then there it was. This dear, darling woman who I felt like I already knew with happy, reddish spiky hair and a rather quiet husband almost cried talking about how she just lost her dog.
My heart sunk.

  .....'See, I told you!'

ArrrHHHH!!! 

I could have reached down in my purse and afterwards handed her an awesome card!!! I could have said, God told me I needed to get this card because He knew I would be meeting you. He knows that your heart is broken. He loves you and knows you loved your dog. His heart is sad cause yours is sad. And here, I got you this card. And I secretly believe dogs are in heaven and maybe they even have voices up there. And when we get there they will tell us how they loved us and have been waiting up there for us.


That would have been crazy, but crazy wonderful. She would have never forgot that. Few things in life compare to how sad it can be to lose a pet. Just try not to cry through that episode of the 'Wonder Years'
I just was kicking myself all the way home from the wedding.

Why is it that I hear God's voice so clearly for weird little things like that, but not big things?? Why don't I just do those things instead of argue like a lunatic with the God whisper voice? I should know by now that what I think is a weird little thing is not weird or little at all. That would have been a huge, amazing thing if I did that at the wedding to a complete stranger.

Even weirder... my dear little guinea pig is struggling to breathe downstairs right now as I write this. I've had her since Mother's day when Ed and I were dating. I've called her Mama Bear. It is just sooooo sad. I know God knows every little sparrow that falls... I want to go pet her during her last little breaths but I just can't bear it. Suffering. God can't bear it either.

day 15. "whew...that was lucky!" x3

Sooo lucky #1: I got up out of bed faster then normal and was all excited like it was a field trip day. Today I went to my first real dog show. I won't even begin to describe the depth of my dorkness when it comes to dog breeds, traits etc. I've had it on the calendar for months. I mainly wanted to go to bring my dear Bridget for a heart/eye exam and make sure she is okay to breed pups. The dog show watching was a big bonus.
My dream dog (Bridget: King Charles Cavalier) who normally costs between $700-1100 dollars, and I just was pretty much given her through rather sketchy means, got a 'PERFECT' on her vet check sheet. Perfect heart. Soooo exciting. Now all she needs is an STD test with her future boyfriend then she'll be already for her one night with the king. I 'm sooo excited/nervous to breed my first dog, I was anticipating that she wouldn't do well on these exams this morning since she was a mess when we got her. I'm so lucky. I'm gonna get to have PUPPIES of my most favorite dog ever soon!!! AHH! So excited. (If you want to buy one please let me know, I'm not allowed to keep them. Family-friends get first dibs. Some have already been claimed and they aren't even created yet. That's love.) Anyway, I just love that the dog I could never afford or find and then just was handed Bridget, in perfect shape with amazing behavior!! Then I magically meet her a boyfriend. :) So now I don't only get my dream dog, I get to see puppies for the first time. Okay, enough 'I'm the luckiest dog owner ever' talk.

So lucky #2.  There is an unspoken rule at dog shows. "No babies allowed." Jovi was the only little human in  the entire place today! Not one other stroller in the whole fairgrounds! People had dog babies. Pushing them on carts in crates instead of strollers and constant barking everywhere instead of crying. While we were watching the competition, people were looking over at me like I was an idiot. "Why does she have a human baby here. Ugh! They are loud and messy.. what is she thinking?" I imagined the dog people's inner dialogue while Jovi smiled and waved at them like a happy, little walmart greeter. I thought about the atmosphere. People who spend all their time, money, efforts into grooming, training, breeding dogs. They have one moment to walk around a ring in front of a judge, try to keep their dog focused through any means possible and try to beat the competition and win 'best in show'. There I was with a baby, a camera and an unregistered dog just waiting for the best moment to distract their whole life's work. I was soooo lucky that Bridget didn't bark or even look at another dog and even luckier that my beloved 10 month old happily sat and drank her bottle. She waited to have a loud melt down til we were far away from the ring of pressure/fire. And it was incredibly lucky that right as I got there the breed I love was being shown in the circle. (There are 100+ breeds and this dog show goes on for 3 days!!) So it was amazing that at the moment I was there, the Cavaliers were on display. I was elated and really, really lucky to see my dogs I love and that my groupies didn't make a peep.

Sooo lucky #3: I went grocery shopping this afternoon with exactly $50 cash. This makes for a nerve-racking grocery shopping experience but is the best way to stay on budget. I had an exact list but I didn't add it up ahead of time. I didn't want to stress out about it. I put everything on the conveyor belt and just said a silent prayer in hopes of not going over.  i knew what were the costliest items and was preparing to remove them if needed. The cart filled up (because I was at Aldi's) and it came to a perfect $49.84!!! The lady behind me smiled an approving congratulations. That was lucky for sure.

 Sooo lucky. Sooo blessed.
nothing is a coincidence.

Sorry I get rhymey when it's late. Happy Weekend.

Day 14: one unspeakable amazing and one unspeakable explosion.

So a super huge non-coincidence happened today but it's a big one that effects quite a few people and I don't want to write it until all has panned out which could take some time...summarized: I got something in the mail that I asked God for earlier in the day. I'll explain later.

The other crazy coincidence is last night, after weeks and weeks of a sad looking crib with no bumpers or cute blankets, I spent quite a bit of time cleaning up Jovi's room. I put on fresh sheets, blankets and cleaned the carpet. I wiped the crib which sadly had actual dust blobs on it, cleaned the changing table and set up some toys around the edge. I know it's sad that I haven't done this in weeks but it's been really hot and she hasn't slept in her room anyway. It was magical to walk in there this morning, smell lavender and see the floor all clean.

You can just imagine what just so happened to transpire this afternoon. She took her nap, nothing out of the ordinary. She didn't fall asleep right away and I heard her through the monitor chatting to herself for awhile. But then after a long silence, I hear this crazy, wild screaming. I have never heard her cry like that before, I rushed in to a scene. It was a car wreck. Worse then a car wreck. It no longer smelled like lavender that's for sure. It smelled like eggs and unkept aquariums.  There it was all over everything: the crib, the wall, the sheets, the cute quilt, the bumper thing that I tied to each crib post last night. The humpty-dumpty pillow that my mom made and so lovingly embroided 'Jovi' in purple had it smeared across his poor humpty face. The super cute singing giraffe was not spared. The maracas has it splattered on them. Poopy toys thrown on the carpet. Worst of all. Her darling little face, her soaked pink dress and in her little tuft of hair there it was. The worst part was that it wasn't on her hands. Since it was everywhere else but she had clean hands...I almost threw up at the thought of where it had gone. It was everywhere. Her hands were in her mouth.  My GOD! I gasped. I'm the worst mom ever! How could this happen!! How long has this been going on?? (Funnier if you imagine the ACE song from the 70's) I immediately picked her up and held her under the faucet in the tub and rotated her around like a poopy pig roast. She laughed. I prayed she didn't eat it. I wrapped her up in her pink monster towel and went back in the room to survey the carnage. I thought about the clean up options and decided against laundry baskets and grabbed a lawn garbage bag from the pantry. The smell had magnified and it was now just about speed. The freshly cleaned blanket, sheet, bumper, clothes, stuffed animals, changing table cover...crammed in the washed on extra rinse/soak. Jovi just looked at me with big, wide open eyes.

Funny, how her room got the absolute dirtiest the day after it was the absolute cleanest. Why does that always seem to happen? This just feels like life to me. When we are calmest and cleanest and have it all together (or at least feel like we do) the next day is mayhem. Yesterday I was happy and not worrying all day about my job but today I was a dreadful mess. Jovi and her room recovered just fine. I am hoping tomorrow I'll be fine too.

day 13: wonder what's in erie, pennsylvania..

My sister made the mistake of getting me the most amazing journal for my birthday last year. It took me about one year to fill it, but I ran out of pages before my next birthday and I was super, super sad!  I wrote really small and never ripped out a page so I could keep it longer.  Journals become a part of me. I am a dork. It just perfectly captured my year because of the picture, words and quote on the front. (It had a girl with dreads, a head scarf, big earrings with 'Follow your Bliss' underneath her. That was exactly me, how I looked and what I did last year.  It was prophetic in a way and I loved it.

So I put a lot of pressure on her to find me another one for this year's birthday and I doubted her find at first (as I did with the other one), but it is of equal wonderfulness. It has a girl with a blank stare looking fake/dead and tons of branches and flowers coming out of her head. I know sounds ridiculous and I made fun of her a bit for it. There is only one word on the cover. WONDER.  But it has definitely suited me that past few months because that is literally all I've done. Wonder...what to do? if they'll call? where I'll go? who will watch Jovs? how will we pay this? should I do this instead? on and on and on... I think of tons of ideas sprouting out of my head daily, before breakfast perhaps and wonder if it would work. Ideas of this past week or so..(never-mind, I deleted them..obviously. they are all so juicy someone would steal them.) So, I'm already a little sad because I've been writing way more in my new journal then I ever did in the first one. I love it but hate that it will have a shorter life span because of my overuse of it. One more journal quality that is necessary to know: it is from this hard to find brand. www.papayaart.com They are around 20 bucks a piece online and my sister found it in some shop in Kentucky.

Non-coincidence: So I had to drive out to Erie, PA to pick up my dear husband from his bagpipe extravaganza weekend that took place in Canada and he got a ride with a friend down to Erie.  I planned the pick up better then the previous drop off and thought about Jovi's nap times. I left right before her nap so she'd happily slept on the way there. It was a success, I listened to a few chapters of a book and Jovi snored away. But then we got there about 2 hours early.  I loath being early to anything. What to do in Erie for 2 hours with an infant and zero money and 90 degrees outside?? Hm... Then there it was, only 2 miles from the place of Ed pick up, a giant T.J.Maxx. Glorious. So Jovi and I took to wandering around the store with a left over birthday gift card :)
While I was wandering, I got a gust of bravery in my contented state. So I called the place that I had my interview last week to see if they have filled the position. My insides were acting like they just got Parkinson's disease followed by a horrible sudden chill like I needed to go to the bathroom. Ring...Ring....but no one answered. Bittersweet. Relief but continued agony. I left a message, but no one called back either. I was sad. The thought that  'if I had the job they would have told me by now' completely filled my mind and spirit.  I could barely keep from crying. I just really want that job and I don't have another plan quite yet. There I stood unmoving in a random back corner of a T.J. Maxx in Erie, Pennsylvania. I've never been truly sad in a T.J. Maxx. My throat was burning like my dad just belittled me as a child. 'Don't cry, Amy. You are in public. Look at Jovi. Laugh with her about something. Get it together.' My eye caught the bottom shelf and there it was. The exact WONDER journal that I got for my birthday. The exact brand that I've never seen in a store. On clearance for only $ 4.50!!  At that moment it was exactly what I needed. It was like I could hear God, "Here wonder some more, Amy. Got any more ideas??"

Day 12: weird collisions...and Darius Rucker again!

Anyone who is married knows the possible awkwardness of the past life thoughts. The weird little dribbles that enter your mind about the ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and if it's even worth mentioning. Today for whatever reason my past life fella came up in conversation with a friend who asked me something and it actually felt weird to say his name. I heard and said it all the time for like ten years and now I haven't heard or said it for a long, long time. I remember my mom saying 'it feels like a different life ago' when we'd ask her about her life in high school or dating my dad. I thought of that comment.

Then tonight Ed dropped me off to run in Giant Eagle to drop off a movie and the man lurking around the red box was wearing the ex-man's cologne. I am super smell sensitive. Smell is an instant memory. I shook it off and thought how weird, two thoughts in one day while there has been months/years without one. Then I went outside and jumped in the passenger seat, Eddy was singing along with a happy country song and Jovi was trying to keep up in the backseat. I looked out the window and thought how I liked Ed's cologne.  Then I saw boyfriend past pull up next to us and get out of his car!! Such weird timing.  Ed and I just looked at each other, acknowledged the neighbor car character and sang the country song.  I saw my past/present life in  little glimpses and thought how happy I was to be in my car with Eddy and Jovial at that moment. "Thank God for all I've missed...because it lead me hear to this..."---What is it with these oh so fitting Darious Rucker songs lately??

Day 11: non-coincedental movie craving.

I Just watched the Adjustment Bureau and I soooo super loved it. I’ve been wanting to see it for awhile just because I liked the premise and of course Matt Damon, who I could pretend is still doing Borne Identity in little glimpses of this movie.  So this movie just was the perfect ingredient to what I have been brewing about sooo much lately.  I need to process it before super quick watching another movie with Ed (who is currently watching ‘the eagle’) who can do back to back movie nights. Sooooo the idea of this movie is just so coincidentally my life process right now. I loved it! This is a little fresh so forgive the craziness of this blog. Everyone keeps yelling at me that I haven't been writing them enough so here you go--unedited :( .

So the movie is based on the idea that there is ‘a plan’. You know ‘the plan’, the best plan for our lives. And that things happen all along our lives to nudge us back onto the plan. Some things happen by chance but some for an unknown (to us) reason that keeps us on the plan.  There are ‘angel’ like folks who live among us and cause little things to happen to keep us on plan though they only know a part of the plan and just trust ‘the chairmen’ who put together the plan. 

Now this is much of christianity in a nutshell or at least church-ianity.  Let's be real. 

Comments like: "It was just God's will." --said by many churchy minded folks at my father's funeral..(I absolutely don't believe it was God's will for my daddy to die.)  Or "God meant for us to be together. Everything in my life is so I could meet you...blah, blah..---said in 99% of chick-flicks, wedding ceremonies etc.  (I absolutely think a person could marry many different people. It's who you choose to make it work with and then they become your 'magic' person) Okay...enough examples though I could think of many more. 

Now the movie shows this struggle. There is a plan, but one thing happens and the plan changes!! This is crazy to think of the endless repercussions that our little words and actions have on the world. The grand finale ending of the movie (i won't tell the ending) is that free will is a gift and we can choose love, we can choose right. Here’s the ending line which I am just chewing on: ‘Most people live life on the path we (divine people) set for them. They are to afraid to explore any other way.  But once in a while people come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize free will is a gift, you'll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that's The Chairman's real plan. And maybe, one day, we won't write the plan. You will.”  

Interesting thought and just what I’ve been brewing about lately.  Do I write my own plan or is it already established for me?? "I know God has a purpose and a plan and a hope and a future for me..." But isn't God supporting me whatever direction I walk in? If his spirit is in me and around me, does it really matter where I go?  I say I just want to be where He is. “God, I want to be where you are” ….which is ridiculous because I can’t be where He isn’t.  Is He in one place more than another? So, then it doesn't matter where I am, I know exactly who I am called to be and what God wants to do in that place. Reconcile people to Him. Love. So I might as well just do whatever makes me happy. UGH!

  “All we have is our choices” is another line from the movie.  This thought can cause headache ramifications and destroyed theologies such as a ‘soulmate’ or a perfect person that you are intended to be with or a job/position that is what you are ‘meant’ to do.  

paradox 1:  I am writing my own plan but God has a plan for me. ‘Make level paths for your feet’ but at the same time ‘God will make your paths straight ..’ 

paradox 2: God has giving me the sense, the free will to do whatever/go wherever. But I just want to do his will. But what if my will is his will....is his will my will??? 

paradox 3: Surrender is easy to throw up your hands and say, do whatever with my life God. Here you go, take control. I use to think I was soo brave and noble to pray these things to God.  But then what happens when he gives it back to you and says ‘Here you go, let’s go on an adventure. What do you want to do??’ UGH! I don’t know! I thought you decided this stuff. 

Someone prayed over me a little while back and said that ‘God sees me and made me multi-talented. That I’m not indecisive but one of those rare people who could really do almost anything.’ UGH. Again. I don’t know what to do. My decision tree has so many branches (another quote from the movie).

See that movie. Let me know what you think of it. And what you think of the theology behind it.Watch out for your weird coincidences everyday, even spilling your coffee, could be arranged by angels to keep you on a certain course or maybe you are just dropsy.

Day 10: not coincedence: Moving wood chip and plaster.

Here it is the end of July. Tomorrow is the month that will hold the drastic change. One whole year has gone by and I thought I would have a decision made way before this day. The end of my dear, dear Jovial days will come. Everyday will not feel like Saturday. My daily jovial routine that is so beautifully established and serene will be gone. I am scared and so very sad. I am pretty good at change, but this one will be a rough especially since I still have NO IDEA what I'll be doing. As much as I am a lover of change, I equally love preparation and planning time. Marinating and brewing on ideas and lessons is needed in my field of work and without that time stress levels, blood pressure, my weight all sky rocket. Oh, Lord.  At church the verse 'Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees' and the quote of 'own your own destiny' stood out to me.  I just don't know what path to choose and my confirmations are mixed signals. I didn't notice a huge coincedence today.

The only coincidence was this tiny microscopic thing that began and ended my day. This morning when I woke up, barely seeing clearly, I looked down and saw a little woodchip (guinea pig bedding) MOVING across the bathroom floor. I rubbed my eyes and put in my contacts, but it was still moving. There was this extremely tiny little ant, the almost unseeable kind, just working so hard so early this morning. The little guy was slowly struggling under the weight of the tiny wood chip. I was tired and crabby (just because it was morning) and thought about him for a second. Then I smashed him and flushed him down the toilet.

 I felt a little evil but I didn't want him inviting his little friends over and throwing a party in my bathroom. He was the only one that I saw even after I swept the floor and examined everywhere for his family/friends. I thought that was odd. One lonely guy with this lone wood chip.

Then tonight before going up to bed, I went to the bathroom and a tiny piece of plaster is moving toward me. What are they doing with wood chips and plaster really!? Why could they need it so desperately to work so hard at this? Again he was the only one. I watched him struggle and wondered if I could help him go a specific direction.  I let him live.

Whenever I see ants I always think of how tiny I am in the huge scheme of the world. All the people, places. ideas from all the past, present and future just make my world shrink. I feel so very small and yet I think what I carry (my work) is soooo important that I worry about it all the time. I know what you are thinking. "They felt like grasshoppers in their own eyes"  Yes, yes. It is such a paradox because I carry the very presence of God and this has HUGE, eternal ramifications. And yes, God does not see me as an ant at all but someone  of great value and worth. Yes, worth dying for. No one is small in God's perspective but does it even matter so much what I do, where I work??  God is HUGE and is everywhere.

This was a rabbling blog. I apologize. But I hope I won't see anything move across the bathroom floor tomorrow and I hope I'll find out what my load will be this year.

Day 9: Love Lavelle

I believe nothing happens on accident but I don't know what the something is to why the non-coincidences happen. Yesterday was a very weird one.

In the back of my mind almost all the time, I think about baby names. I've done this most of my life even as a kid. In the back of every journal is a list of names that I would name my kids at that stage of my life. I love names. Now that I can actually name my dear little humans, it's even more exciting. Jovial is my favorite adjective and I liked Jovi for short. I really like names with 'V' in them. So now as I ponder Jovi's future siblings I think about 'V's as their common letter. My grandma from Ireland's last name was Lavelle. I always thought that was so cool. She has bright red hair and was quirky and cute. She said most of the people in her city in Ireland all had that name. It was very common. I pondered it as a first name but 'Lavi' just isn't nice nor is 'Velle'. Then I looked up 'lovella' or 'lovelle' who could get called 'love' for short or 'lovie'. It means loved and adored one. Who wouldn't want to be called that everyday of their life? I got excited but before my excitement grew I voiced my idea to Ed in the car yesterday.
'What do you think of the name Lovella?'
 'I've never heard of it or had a thought about it. I'll need to think about it awhile.'
That was a fair response. I thought I'd give him background and tell him about my grandma and her irish last name. Then I looked out the window and a semi was next to us. The whole side of the semi said 'LAVELLE' in really big letters. I don't remember the company or product, but it was just really bizarre to look over and see that.

Day 8: Busy with no plans.

Today my only prayer was to be distracted and not think about the job interview. "Did I get it or not??!!!" I've been analyzing the Q and A's over and over again. Thinking about what my life would look like if I got it and what it would like if I didn't.
 Everyday I make a to-do list. I am one of those people. I use to think stay at home moms had the dream life of nothing but kiddos and peace/quiet...I was so arrogant and ignorant. I am so busy everyday that it's unbelievable and the patience testing war that goes on is comparable to any 'job' I've ever had. But today I didn't make a to-do list for the first time in a long, long time. I just wanted to relax, read, write, drink coffee and get some more stuff together for the garage sale. My thoughts would not stop about the job.I couldn't focus on anything and I couldn't even sit and drink my coffee. That is a new low for me.

Then without my consent, my day began. I let the dogs out, Mr. Lunch digs a hole under the fence and runs away. I get Jovi cleaned off from breakfast put her in the stroller to look for Lunch and he comes right to me thankfully. Ed calls with a car crisis. I drove out  half hour to his work, stopped at store to get car part, store was closed, but saw one of my old students in the parking lot who didn't recognize me at all. :( I got sad. Then bucked up and  found another store, traded cars, and visited with my friend who just had a baby. It's impossible to have any negative or worried thoughts when you are holding a newborn. The newness rubs onto you and you see everything clear and simple. Ah....I drive back to car mechanic place which is 45 minutes away. My phone dies before I get there. My mom picks me up so I don't have to sit at creepy car place with Jovs. I helped put together garage sale and then back to car place. Car estimation to be fixed: $1600. It's impossible to think of anything else when someone quotes you that price unexpectedly. I picked up the car and got a complimentary air freshener without getting it fixed. I couldn't check my phone ALL DAY! What if they called! Argh! I get home, feed Jovi and phone rings before it even charged up. I jump up inside like it's the job calling to tell me....!!! It was a friend who was getting his motorcycle fixed up and needed a ride out to pick it up. I pack up poor Jovi again, who cried for the first time getting into her car seat and we drove a little bit away. It was 8pm before I thought about the job. The entire day flew bye and felt wasted.  I accomplished nothing today. But I did accomplish my goal of not thinking about the job. This is my least favorite coincidence so far but it seemed odd to be running around with displaced vehicles all day.

Day 7: a writer from ohio and a job decision.

So I had to watch a movie tonight. I have been suppressing my movie moods lately and I absolutely had to watch a random one tonight after jovi fell asleep. Ed wouldn't of course join me because there was a high heel on the cover.

"The Devil wears Prada" was my pick. I haven't watched a movie in a really long time and I forget how I get really into whatever movie I watch. I subconsciously find similarities between myself and the heroine, I find similar qualities in the co-stars that my friends have and so on. I like to sit and ponder movies after I see them about how they relate to me and what they make me think. The girl began as a fruppy "chubby" writer from Ohio and lost herself because of a job she didn't really want but thought she had to take to help her get to wherever it was she wanted to go. The movie's climax was really the very last scene where she walks away from it all and cuts all ties. She is thankful for her experience but in a moment made a huge decision. She even gave away all her awesome work clothes.

Now there was no villain at my job who wore Prada or anything like that, but the past few days since my interview I feel like I may not get it. And that it may not be what I wanted after all and that it would change me into someone that I wouldn't like.  I will be excited either way because I have spiced up my plan B but I just like my fruppy, writing self from Ohio. I don't miss dressing up everyday and pretending to be professional with all my strength. A few weeks ago I packed up a lot of my clothes for a garage sale.

Daruis Rucker sandwich with the questionable center.

The day of the awaited interview comes but I wake up with indifference instead of excitement. This is just very weird. This job is the most logical, best paying, least time-consuming, most my passion and just makes the most sense for goodness sakes!! and I finally get the interview. I had good coffee/reading/discussions with God about my contradicting self while Jovi ate her breakfast. I get on my nice suit (with the tags still on it) with shiny shoes and get Jovi equally dolled up because it makes me happy. I savored every little moment with Jovi this morning for whatever reason and got all teary eyed for no reason. Then on my way to drop off Jovi to be watched while I am interviewing,  the song by lovely Darius Rucker, "It won't be like this for long" comes on. I tried to turn it and was completely powerless. UGH! The words of that song just beat me up inside. Don't anybody watch the video. My nice professional self got ruined by mascara. "Get yourself together, Amy! This is what people do! They have kids and they go to work all day to pay for the kid. It will be all right."  I get sadder because I wish I could call my dad but if he were alive, his comments wouldn't be encouraging anyway. But he'd give me a good 'buck up, kid.' So by the time I drop off my pumpkin and then get to the interview, I was mentally exhausted just from thinking. My thoughts actually leave me winded as if I just exercised. The interview went fine, not amazing and not terrible just middle of the road, I'd say.  Just like always when I'm about to get what I thought I wanted, I think of all the things I then won't be able to have. (I told you life always feels like a Choose your own adventure novel to me.) So I of course think what I  won't have if I get the job: my cherished mornings with Jovi, my cavalier cuddling time, my Jovial play time, laughing in the sun room before the heat of the day, watch Jovi crawl around and chase Mr. Lunch, the front porch in the afternoon and Jovi stares down all the neighborhood kids that she will play with soon as she can catch up to them. I almost felt like crying again.  Then another Hootie song comes on as I leave the interview "Alright". (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etr7UtnUflM&ob=av2e)  It's about all the things in life you don't need and how he already has everything he wants. UGH! I should stay home, be poor and it will be all right. alright.  I stop at my house quick and get out of the nice suit because I will be taking it back (gasp!) tomorrow and cleaned all the marks from the shiny shoes which (gasp! gasp!) have to go back as well. I've never done this before don't be to mad at me.  Then I go back out to pick up my delicious Jovi. The 'Alright' song plays again during dinner and it cheers up my churning spirit. So we'll see what happens next. I'm sure it will all work out fine.

Sidenote coincidence: Today Jovi took her first 6 steps in a row and today Jovi took her first 2 major falls one off a couch and one off a porch. :( Neither falls would have happened if I didn't have the interview. But it's all right. alright! I got a roof over my head, the fella I love laying in my bed and it's all right...all right. I got shoes under my feet..."

Non-coincedence day 6: Juicy center of a Michael Jackson Sandwich.

Day starts at 6:30am Saturday morning. Key word is Saturday.  Jovi jumping up and down in her make-shift pack n' play bed infront of the airconditioner, staring right at me and whiny crying. Ed is gone and the busy dog is missing. The lazy orange dogs and I tried to finish our dreaming but were unsuccessful. Jovi wins. I barely make it down the stairs with my drunken state of sleep. There is my beloved listening to Michael Jackson, 'The way you make me feel.’ My husband is a morning person.  I grumble sleep talk said “if you are up, you can take Jovi with you when she is up too…grumble, grumble.” It is impossible to be angry with the Michael and his ‘uhh-chunkaohhh’  going on in the background. 

Middle of the day at 3:30pm I get a random restricted phone call that I question and decide against answering. That was it. After weeks of phone calls, emails and unspeakable worrying and future planning, the human resource director calls me late on a Saturday afternoon.  The message said I have an interview the day after tomorrow. Trying not to think about the weirdness/unprofessionalness of a restricted Saturday afternoon phone call and a one day preparation time, I am soooo excited! It just seems funny that after an entire year that I could have known what I was doing, had a nice comfortable plan and been ready, I get a random Saturday afternoon call.  When I finally let all the stress and worry go a bit and decide to float along trusting God, I get a crazy call. That is just like how God speaks to me sometimes. When I fight so desperately for what I want him to say and when I want him to say it, it’s like trying to catch a fruit fly. I never catch it and just get end up feeling frustrated, annoyed, exhausted and alone.  But when I just let him speak and I just relax and listen, the peace and calm of his way just lands on me and I am elated.

Day ends 11:30pm driving home from our fabulous dinner with young married couples where we had delicious food and conversation. The radio on scan blares dear Michael with ‘the way you make me feel’. Again I say, it is just impossible to not be happy when that song plays. I loved that song as the book mark to my day. I highly recommend anyone who reads this to go listen to that song.  Ed and I will be working on a choreographed dance for our next wedding day dancing extravaganza. There is so much to be excited for in my life. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nie9lKPifg 

non coincedence day 5

Well, I just had a lovely gathering of ladies at my house and we chatted for hours. It was wonderful and I am still contemplating the conversations. My day flew bye and I just sat down with nothing to report about a shining coincidence of the day.  I said to my husband, "I have nothing to write about that happened today." He sat down across from me on the other couch and looked at me with a blank, gawking stare with one hand in the couch cushion. "Here it is!" he said and then pulled his debit card out of the couch cushion. Our spouse hobby is looking for things. We lose everything. Wallets, car keys, bills, phone numbers, business cards, reeds, hats, bagpipe outfit stuff, pacifiers, credit cards and the list could just keep going. The most recent was the debit card incident which is quite a tragedy. We ripped apart the house late last night and continued when we woke up this morning. We tore apart every level of the house, past worn clothing items, both cars and not until this one moment was it found. This one perfect moment when I said that no coincidence happened to me today. Ed sits down right in that spot and sees the card. That doesn't seem like a coincidence at all.

nice coincedence-- day 4

When a person goes to look at a house, it is impossible to really get a good feel of the neighborhood. You need to sleep in a house and sit on the porch for a week but real estate agents don't let you do that. After we bought our house we soon discovered we are surrounded by some serious neighbors. Cops cars, screaming, cop chases, domestic abuse and I won't even mention the fourth of July incident. It can be summarized to say there is just yelling from all sides of the house, all hours of the day and night. It is the soundtrack of our home and mildly frustrating at times. But I prefer the life and personality of living in the city opposed to the suburban house hiding. But after almost two years of living in our house our interactions with neighbors seem to be only as the occasion separator of fights. It's hard to pull myself from my suburban house hiding tendencies.  I've been praying for some common ground and that we could be friends with our neighbors who seem to be from another planet at times.

Old brick houses in the summer are like actual furnaces so everyone has been outside doing anything possible to stay cool. The blow up kiddie pool across the street was calling to me so I slapped a good swimmer diaper and sun hat on Jovi and there we were all afternoon. I don't want to negatively describe my neighbors, it is sufficient to say they really just yell all the time. But after some kiddie pool banter, my neighbor and I discovered we are gonna be good friends. We have almost the same birthday and we both turned 30 this year. We talked about how sad that day was and then immediately talked about something else. We shared how hard it is to be on one income but how much harder it is to imagine someone else getting paid to love our kids all day. She has a family member who is obsessed with King Charles Cavaliers, like me. She said she secretly loves my little dog and would love a puppy after I mentioned Bridget could have babies soon. We chatted all afternoon. This isn't a huge shocking coincidence but more the obvious repercussions of what happens when someone crosses the street and sits in someone else's backyard. But we just easily found so much in common and sometimes that takes a long time in conversations with a stranger.  I am just really thankful and excited to know my neighbors better and maybe have a new house soundtrack instead of daydreaming about house hiding out in the woods or burbs somewhere.

super good one..day 3

Today we reached a new financial low...I don't want to be to personal about this, but anyone who has/does roll the solo-income lifestyle knows this turmoil. I haven't been this poor since college when I was hunting for laundry money like a scavenger and rejoicing over quarters like they were gold. I was getting teary eyed today after I cooked up a really lame breakfast for dinner meal (although omelets and bacon are wonderful). I was about to pour myself a good glass of wine to really mope and watch an old, distracting movie. Then I decided that's not who I am and what I do, I should probably go pray awhile. Now Jovi doesn't exactly make allowances for me to go and pray, so she just happily destroyed the dining room while I tried to focus my thoughts awhile.  I prayed for a magical way for us to somehow get by for a bit and for Ed to either get a better job or my school district to finally call me about my job so my nerves rest. Then Jovi found a paper and started eating it really fast like a classmate of mine who use to eat his 'weekly reader' in first grade before the whole class even got theirs. The paper Jovi found had a rebate visa card attached from when we bought our cell phones. It fell behind a trunk I never open. I took it from her and got excited for gas money. Then in my usual quick-to-get distracted-away from prayer-time manner thought I should go through that trunk I never open and see if there's anything good to throw in for the garage sale next weekend. In the trunk was everything I threw left from our wedding and honeymoon. Cards, trinkets, hotel souvenirs, fake flowers, ribbons, honey jars and then 5 checks fell on the ground that were stuck to the bottom of a card box. 5 uncashed checks. Yes, they were from 2 years ago so I contacted the people who wrote them. They all so far have laughed and said, "Sure, please cash it." So the adventure continues and we magically make it to another paycheck. Faith is so much like the steps appearing under Indiana Jones' feet when he walked over the cliff. What if I didn't take the time to pray and put Jovi in that room? Not that God would not have provided if I would have drank wine and moped but maybe it would have been a harder. cheers. I thanked God after as I pondered these happening and drank my wine anyway.

super weird...day two.

Many people, who I deemed a little whimsical and spooky, have told me how they are followed by certain numbers throughout their lives. The same number is an address, license plate, phone number, birth day etc. It becomes like their lucky number or something like that. I never had a number stalker and truthfully I live the majority of my life without acknowledging their kind.  I like words. Accountant husband can like the numbers. The past few weeks though a certain number started being a creepy little lurker. And now it’s just always everywhere and is just weird.

My baby usually wakes up around 7, or 8 if I’m lucky but for a few days in row she woke up and the clock (which is digital and has enormous neon numbers) said 6:26. I only noticed because that was my birthday and I was dreaded it. I turned 30. So there it began the 6:26. That day I only looked at my watch once and it was 6:26pm. I shrugged it off that is was a little weird. The next day I got a wrong number (which doesn’t happen very often in cell phone world) and the area code was 626. That was really weird.  I don’t know anyone in California. So it continued. The times I would end up being somewhere I would look down at my watch at that time. The weirdest thing was I meet this lovely kindred spirit lady who breeds cavaliers and we became friends. She said randomly in conversation without me saying anything that her favorite number is 26. I thought that was weird because I haven’t heard anyone say they have a  favorite number since like grade school and she is like in her 60’s. Later that week my friend’s car broke down and he wanted me to pick him up somewhere and of course when I got in the car it was 6:26pm. I was starting to get mad because I didn’t want to be reminded of my birthday.  He was the first one I told of my weird number problem. He told me to look up 6:26 in the bible. I thought that was profound and intriguing and I immediately thought of Matthew and that maybe it was the ‘seek first the kingdom’ verse. I really didn’t want it to be that verse though because I’ve been bickering with God about this whole seek- first and all other things will be added unto you- business. So Matthew 6:26 is the verse, ‘Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? This was gold to me because I have been seriously on the verge of a panic attack lately because I’m sooo anxious about money, jobs, babies, debt..ugh. The pressure is unbearable and I don’t know what to do.  I love that verse that God always takes care of the birds and they don’t sow, reap, or store away stuff but they are always feed. I am more valuable that them.  The 626 or 26 is still following me, it came to me twice today and I say that verse to myself. I have not been as worried about my job or our lack of funds.

Weird coincidence: there was a dead bird  next to my back door last week. I hated that. It felt like an eerie omen and I was conflicted in thought. "God, you are suppose to take care of them."

Super weird bonus... right before I pushed ' publish post' by dog walked behind the couch and unplugged my laptop and it immediately died. I figured it was all deleted but it wasn't. The timing of my dog was just amazing though.

not coincedence #1 reoccuring violet

The weirdness of the first non-coincidence can only be realized if I first confess a weird nightly ritual I have had since the beginning of this year. Anyone who knows me knows I am in love with my dear Bridget who is a King Charles Cavalier. But not everyone knows of my addiction to puppyfind.com. Here it is. I must not be ashamed. I nightly rank my favorite dogs. I rank them by their colors, breeders, registration, location and price. I have it down to an art really. I can pick the dog that will be bought within a day because it is the perfect one for breeding or showing. I know most all the local breeders and the national ones too. I have been debating since Bridget came into my life if I should breed her so I read a lot about the breed. I have an abundance of Bridget puppy-wanters already and I did find her the perfect one night stand/companion but she is not registered so I don't feel completely confident about bringing little ones into the world. So, I daydream about my perfect girl who could grow old with Bridget and make legitimate glorious pups. Many Cavalier owners who become smitten by their dog end up with one in every color. There are 4 kinds of Cavaliers. Bridget is a Ruby. So anyway I play a little game before bed and eliminate all the dogs down to one. It's challenging (one out of around 600), unwinding (because it has nothing at all to do with my infant or my career) and makes me very happy.  "If I had to pick one dog which one would it be?” The chosen dream dog almost always gets purchased by someone immediately and I grieve that I can’t visit the picture anymore and have to find a new favorite. This leads me to my first bizarre coincidence.

The other day I ended up through a weird series of events at my in-laws house. The weird series began with our dog running away, highway fence jumping, a case of aggressive poison ivy, steroids, and finally urgent care. So an Aunt who I have only spoken to about twice since I’ve been married so happened to be at my ma/pa inlaw’s house and we started talking about our favorite names for kids. I said I love the name Violet because it’s another adjective , there’s a ‘v’ in it, the nickname ‘Vi’ is lovely and I love the color too.  Her response was how she always wanted triplets and would name them, Rose, Violet and Lily. She kept going about how she liked those 3 names together.  I thought she is as quirky as me which is refreshing, but I didn’t know what to respond, so her comment was the conversation capstone. I came home and before bed did my little puppy find imaginary hunt. Three new dogs posted that same day. Three little girl pups named Rose, Violet and Lily. They were from Ohio too. And Violet was my perfect pick out of all 600+ dogs. She is the color, registration, facial structure, location and breeding that I look for in my little game. What are the chances of that??? Not that this means I will magically get this pup (I wouldn't mind that). But it just made me think God is aware of my little thoughts and what makes me happy. As I am made so happy from my Cavalier dreaming, God is delighting in me and made happy from me.  I really don’t know what that super weird coincidence means... but it smells like something of God to me.  http://www.puppyfind.com/view_listing/?sid=920b75ff62cc4253bb8b3c2740b49ed9 

The beginning of my 30 daily not coincedences

I was in a bet with someone and we had to write in a blog everyday for 30 days. That was my dream last night. It was a weird dream and when I woke up I thought I should do that because I have been really bad at writing in the blog that I was initially really excited about starting. I am always an excited starter of things. Sigh. So I will be writing everyday for the next 30 days about the crazy little happenings of God speaking to me throughout my day and in my dreams as well. God is always speaking and I becoming more attune to listening lately and the conversation are just undeniably crazy, amazing and need to be shared. There are SO many funny not coincidences that happen to me consistently and that dream got me excited to write them.

  The preface to this is that throughout my life I am ALWAYS asking some form of the question, 'God, what should I do or what do you think about this??' My life metaphor has been a Choose your own Adventure book (for those of you who missed out on the joy of childhood in the 80's, it's a series of books that after you read one chapter it has you answer a question about how you want to decide the next step of the adventure and then you turn to the chapter with your decision). I was and still am so very indecisive, not because I don't know what I want but because I don't want to miss anything. (Same reason I didn't shower much in college. I didn't want to be dirty I just didn't want to miss anything exciting in the dorms.) So, these books and life are frustrating to me because if you choose one chapter then you automatically miss another one!!! I would read all the options of the book and my friends would yell at me because I cheated. 

All this to say that I am again at another end of a chapter in life and I have to decide which chapter is next. Sadly in my usual manner, I have been smacked with gusts of anxiety, then fear, worry, depression, repeat... and almost completely paralyzed by this cycle. I have made pro and con lists, played magic 8 ball with the bible and asked my husband,...'ready, set, say yes or no...go!' Still, I have no idea what to do next.

I don't know what to decide yet but I know God is alive and speaking and cares about my answer.  I have sooooo many not coincidences that I can't wait to share but the first one that I will start with is that I decided this morning I will write this blog and make it about there not being coincidences. Then this morning I only got to be in church for a little blurb of the sermon because we had to be at an aftenoon wedding and the part of the sermon I sat in for was the pastor saying, "There is nothing that happens by accident. God speaks through movies, a billboard, anything...just listen." Which is exactly what my little blogo will be about so be excited...stay tuned. This will be juicy and hilarious. 

I can't imagine how my mom must feel looking down at Jovi. Jovi who is going to get married someday and wear a beautiful dress and most suredly make me cry. Jovi who will someday have a baby of her own. My baby will grow up. My mom's babies grew up (sort of). The cycle of life/time should not be so overwhelming but it just is.
In my little life I've come to believe that we just weren't made for time. We couldn't be because the passing of it is just unbearable. "God has set eternity in their hearts." I sing that verse to some made-up tune as I rock Jovi in the rocking chair, next to my little lamp that was in my room next to the chair my mom rocked me in. Every other song I can think of usually just makes me cry because my grandma sung them to my mom who sung them to me and I can't even fathom how far back those silly songs go. Or worse I try to sing the songs my dad sung and then poor Jovi stares at me as I weep. I can't believe I am the singer. I can't believe I am now a mom. I am a the parent. I am now the singer of the songs. My dear mom is now a grandma. My dear daddy is no longer bound by time. My beloved grandma is the greatest and great-greatest grandma of masses. The timelessness of eternity is the most comforting thought to me and always makes me smile. Random unposed pictures have a way of just stopping time and life for a moment. Time that makes my throat burn and my eyes water. I love you, mom, so very much. I love you, grandmom. May I be such a wonderful mom as you both have been in my life time and may all we read this silly blog have a nice moment with their mom tomorrow when horrible time seems to stop for a moment.

Thank you, dreadlocks.

I've been thinking about it for months now. I am going to write this all down with rational thought before my emotions later get the best of me and I sentimentally regret my decision. I've grown out my dreads for 7 month now and have been sneakingly cutting some and combing them out. They are heavy, unkept and, no matter how many times I wash them, smelly. This makes me feel...heavy, unkept and smelly. I now want to feel free and light, clean and simple.

They have been through so much with me, grad. school, teaching, dating the man I'd marry, my wedding, having a baby, and burying my daddy. They've swam in many oceans and been twirled by many hands. They have started a bajillion beautiful conversations with many beautiful people. They have walked before me into rooms and people's impressions and have told them I am confident, creative, accepting of other cultures, brave, wild, natural, bold, strong, and beautiful. I thank them for that. It's as if my dreads have told my students at school that "my arms are wide open to you." My students, who at so many times feel like aliens to me, found common ground and comfort from my hair.  I will miss their silent, loud introduction and portrayal of me to people I don't know. I will miss being 'the girl with dreads' and being easily seen in a crowd by people looking for me. I hope I do not lose my sense of power and strength from chopping off 5 years worth of hair.

Jovi giving them a goodbye squeeze.

I most loved when they offended people. I loved when older people and very white people looked at me confused and said or thought "Why doesn't she cut them off?". I loved the snobbery they provoked. The lady who asked me if I'd like to work for housekeeping instead of having my wedding at her lame-yuppo golf course. The mailman who asked me assholely on my front porch if I spoke Ebonics too. The gorgeous Jamaican woman in Belize who hugged me so deeply as if Id known her my whole life and smiled at me so big and warmly as she played with my hair. She told my husband he was a lucky man. No other white lady walking into their country received such a warm welcome.  When I walked into an art gallery and told the worker that I liked to paint and she said, "Of course you do." I will miss the constant "glares" and double takes from big, beautiful black men or swoony stares and comments from the fellas from a drug/alcohol/punky/hippy scene. The awkward moments from women who misunderstood my confidence and hit on me. The constant moments of being asked for a lighter. The teenagers in grocery stores, shopping malls and hallways who with jealousy or curiosity say, "How long did that take?" or "They look really cool." The snobbercrombie/hollister-ballesster guys who thought/said my hair was gross and repulsive and my favorite abercrombie-loving man who thought they were hot. I most appreciated the magic door they opened for me with my beloved African American sisters who may not have otherwise known that I was so very approachable, accepting and in love with their culture. I love black hairshops. I will miss them so. I love being the only white person in a salon. I love getting my hair done with a crochet hook instead of a straightener. I loved that the students, teachers and even principal thought I was the art teacher. I loved my sweet moments with Jovs as she'd twirl my dreads in her teeny fingers and sweetly, calmly stare right in my eyes. Thank you dreadlocks for the many,many memories. Thank you for helping me to feel the most like myself then I ever have in my life. I am comforted by the fact that I have dear friends who have tightened my dreads and will gladly put them right back in if I'm not as comfortable with my hair in strands. Thank you dreads for reassuring in me that I am brave, strong, creative and wild. Thank you dreads for looking so good with ribbons and pearls on my wedding day that I had dreamed about. Thank you for needing so little attention while my baby needed every second of the day in the beginning. I am excited about my next hair story. I'm excited to now have the shortest hair that I have ever had in my life. So hair spikes I welcome you. Let the story begin.

Snowed In

Ah. Listening to the sounds of neighbors' roaring slow blowers and scrapping shovels, Jovi and I are snuggled up wearing our fleece stripped pajamas and refusing to do anything productive. Mr. Lunch just threw up a piece of lettuce that I told him not to eat. Rudy has been in a warm coil on the couch all day. I decided this morning that I really love my life. I cried and told Jovi all about it. I really thought I would lose my mind being a stay at home mom. I heard the voices of my mom and many others' "You have all that education, now you're going to waste it." And yet I shockingly have won again the thoughts that tell me I'm lazy, a failure or ineffective/unproductive in my faith because I am home. I feel grateful for this precious time. I don't have to wake up early, clean off my car and wear uncomfortable high heels. I don't have to act like someone else all day. I don't have to be in control of a million things.  I just get to watch Jov change. Her little lip pouts, quivering chin, and now the constant raspberries. This is the first time in my whole life I think I've stopped. High School to Undergrad to Pre-Reqs to Grad. School to Teaching.. There went my 20's in a cloud of accomplishment-driven dust. And now I sit with my greatest little accomplishment and try not to think about what next. Just sitting in fleece jammies watching the snow fall. What a freakin' good day.