My sister made the mistake of getting me the most amazing journal for my birthday last year. It took me about one year to fill it, but I ran out of pages before my next birthday and I was super, super sad! I wrote really small and never ripped out a page so I could keep it longer. Journals become a part of me. I am a dork. It just perfectly captured my year because of the picture, words and quote on the front. (It had a girl with dreads, a head scarf, big earrings with 'Follow your Bliss' underneath her. That was exactly me, how I looked and what I did last year. It was prophetic in a way and I loved it.
So I put a lot of pressure on her to find me another one for this year's birthday and I doubted her find at first (as I did with the other one), but it is of equal wonderfulness. It has a girl with a blank stare looking fake/dead and tons of branches and flowers coming out of her head. I know sounds ridiculous and I made fun of her a bit for it. There is only one word on the cover. WONDER. But it has definitely suited me that past few months because that is literally all I've done. Wonder...what to do? if they'll call? where I'll go? who will watch Jovs? how will we pay this? should I do this instead? on and on and on... I think of tons of ideas sprouting out of my head daily, before breakfast perhaps and wonder if it would work. Ideas of this past week or so..(never-mind, I deleted them..obviously. they are all so juicy someone would steal them.) So, I'm already a little sad because I've been writing way more in my new journal then I ever did in the first one. I love it but hate that it will have a shorter life span because of my overuse of it. One more journal quality that is necessary to know: it is from this hard to find brand. www.papayaart.com They are around 20 bucks a piece online and my sister found it in some shop in Kentucky.
Non-coincidence: So I had to drive out to Erie, PA to pick up my dear husband from his bagpipe extravaganza weekend that took place in Canada and he got a ride with a friend down to Erie. I planned the pick up better then the previous drop off and thought about Jovi's nap times. I left right before her nap so she'd happily slept on the way there. It was a success, I listened to a few chapters of a book and Jovi snored away. But then we got there about 2 hours early. I loath being early to anything. What to do in Erie for 2 hours with an infant and zero money and 90 degrees outside?? Hm... Then there it was, only 2 miles from the place of Ed pick up, a giant T.J.Maxx. Glorious. So Jovi and I took to wandering around the store with a left over birthday gift card :)
While I was wandering, I got a gust of bravery in my contented state. So I called the place that I had my interview last week to see if they have filled the position. My insides were acting like they just got Parkinson's disease followed by a horrible sudden chill like I needed to go to the bathroom. Ring...Ring....but no one answered. Bittersweet. Relief but continued agony. I left a message, but no one called back either. I was sad. The thought that 'if I had the job they would have told me by now' completely filled my mind and spirit. I could barely keep from crying. I just really want that job and I don't have another plan quite yet. There I stood unmoving in a random back corner of a T.J. Maxx in Erie, Pennsylvania. I've never been truly sad in a T.J. Maxx. My throat was burning like my dad just belittled me as a child. 'Don't cry, Amy. You are in public. Look at Jovi. Laugh with her about something. Get it together.' My eye caught the bottom shelf and there it was. The exact WONDER journal that I got for my birthday. The exact brand that I've never seen in a store. On clearance for only $ 4.50!! At that moment it was exactly what I needed. It was like I could hear God, "Here wonder some more, Amy. Got any more ideas??"
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