need to write

I haven't written in this blog for a long, long time but tonight I tried to update my facebook status and I just could not stop writing. Nobody likes a status update that is long, so I thought I'll use the ol' blog I forgot I loved so long ago and that I've been wanting to write in.

Here's the status update that I couldn't stop writing in true rambling, unedited, written fast fashion:

 "so sad & heavy hearted tonight...i am a passionate person when it comes to injustice. i just want to read everything about the whole zimmerman trial. all of the screaming for justice. i've been addicted to all the videos/articles and hearing all the witnesses for both sides. 6 mothers were the jurors. what were they saying for 16 hours!? 911 call was zimmerman yelling for help? you'd know your kids' scream. i always know my sons' cry over other babies and i've only known it for 2+ months. these dads had 17 or 29 YEARS to really know their sons' cry and both dads said it was their kid... hm. ? it's just so sad. sad. trayvon couldn't tell his side of the story. And that girl Jeantel who tried to tell his side did it really poorly and the prosecution was using some sappy, hallmark card approach that was ridiculous. 'who lost the fight? who lost the fight?'...what! could you talk about trayvon's character or something to defend him? have a logical explanation like the defense did with that dummy??  ugh. so sad he died. sooo sad he died. so young. :( my mind is just full of the 'ifs' that i always think about when i get all heart broken."

---IF he was a white kid in a black hoodie--would he have still followed him that night? (probably not.. but probably yes since there were a lot of recent break ins...it seems anyone of any race but especially teenagers in hoodies late at night seem fishy or even scary to people)

or IF he was a white kid and he was shot would anyone have even cared? probably not at all. sad.

 If the next foster child I took in my home and loved to pieces was an African American teenage boy...would I send him up to the corner BP late at night in a hoody to grab some milk if we were out???....If someone was following him home what would he do ???  He'd probably be really scared of that dude following him home in the dark and he'd probably fight and act defensively....?? I didn't know Trayvon obviously. But I know many a could be Trayvons and that is why I'm so sad.  Maybe he fought because he was scared. Maybe he fought because he was sick of feeling like everyone was looking at him like he did something wrong when he didn't do anything..when he's actually an amazingly wonderful kid. Maybe Trayvon fought because he thought that guy following him was gonna hurt him and kill him. Did he reach for Zimmerman's gun because he thought he was gonna kill him? 

It feels just like the movie 'Crash'. In the movie...One dude thought the other one was reaching for the gun but he wasn't. BAM! the end of the movie. the end of that guy's life. Sooo sad. What IF Zimmerman would have said I'm just with the neighborhood watch I don't want any trouble..what are you doing out here? What IF Trayvon would have answered him?  What would he have said?? Why did he fight Zimmerman like that...leaving Zimmerman nose broken and head all bleeding...like the defense portrayed?? ugh.

sad. I don't live in a country where i would encourage the teenagers i love to wear hoodies and go out late at night. That is sad but doesn't seem that odd...  If the media wouldn't have instantly made this a civil rights thing would it have blown up like this?  I hate that all the glorious African American youth i know through this trial may feel unloved or that they live in a place where they are stereotyped because of this trial. Well...truth without any 'ifs' or 'maybes' is we definitely live in a place with stereotypes. You can  point at everyone else like 'I don't judge people--how could you?'...which is impossible because everyone judges and stereotypes. you have to fight your own thoughts not to judge and stereotype. Trayvon assumed things about Zimmerman..Zimmerman assumed things about Trayvon. For that he is definitely guilty... i can't wear certain clothes or wear my hair a certain way, go to certain places and expect to be treated justly. I could get mad about that (How could THEY presume I'm stupid, dirty, do drugs because I have dreads! What idiots! How could THEY presume I have tons of money, am a snob and have had this peachy easy life because I'm white? How could THEY think I'm lame, boring just because I'm 'old' or because I have kids or because I don't dress like that or drive that car or eat that food...list goes on and on and on. I could get mad at other people because that's easy or I could get mad at myself that I do the same crap. People watch and think horrible make fun of them or judge them kind of thoughts...usually based on how they are dressed 'how could they were that outfit? that bathing suit?, how they wear their hair like that or hang out there.... ugh. justice. i hope i treat all folks justly.. i hope that george zimmerman and the martin family can sit and cry together...if he was truly innocent and it was all a sad misunderstanding and accident...then i hope the martins can forgive and find peace somehow..even though losing a child is the saddest thing i can imagine..I like to imagine that happened at the end of the movie 'Crash'.

 Okay I'm going to bed now. I feel much better after writing all that. ah. rambling. I'm grieving like I knew Trayvon.