Day 12: weird collisions...and Darius Rucker again!

Anyone who is married knows the possible awkwardness of the past life thoughts. The weird little dribbles that enter your mind about the ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and if it's even worth mentioning. Today for whatever reason my past life fella came up in conversation with a friend who asked me something and it actually felt weird to say his name. I heard and said it all the time for like ten years and now I haven't heard or said it for a long, long time. I remember my mom saying 'it feels like a different life ago' when we'd ask her about her life in high school or dating my dad. I thought of that comment.

Then tonight Ed dropped me off to run in Giant Eagle to drop off a movie and the man lurking around the red box was wearing the ex-man's cologne. I am super smell sensitive. Smell is an instant memory. I shook it off and thought how weird, two thoughts in one day while there has been months/years without one. Then I went outside and jumped in the passenger seat, Eddy was singing along with a happy country song and Jovi was trying to keep up in the backseat. I looked out the window and thought how I liked Ed's cologne.  Then I saw boyfriend past pull up next to us and get out of his car!! Such weird timing.  Ed and I just looked at each other, acknowledged the neighbor car character and sang the country song.  I saw my past/present life in  little glimpses and thought how happy I was to be in my car with Eddy and Jovial at that moment. "Thank God for all I've missed...because it lead me hear to this..."---What is it with these oh so fitting Darious Rucker songs lately??

Day 11: non-coincedental movie craving.

I Just watched the Adjustment Bureau and I soooo super loved it. I’ve been wanting to see it for awhile just because I liked the premise and of course Matt Damon, who I could pretend is still doing Borne Identity in little glimpses of this movie.  So this movie just was the perfect ingredient to what I have been brewing about sooo much lately.  I need to process it before super quick watching another movie with Ed (who is currently watching ‘the eagle’) who can do back to back movie nights. Sooooo the idea of this movie is just so coincidentally my life process right now. I loved it! This is a little fresh so forgive the craziness of this blog. Everyone keeps yelling at me that I haven't been writing them enough so here you go--unedited :( .

So the movie is based on the idea that there is ‘a plan’. You know ‘the plan’, the best plan for our lives. And that things happen all along our lives to nudge us back onto the plan. Some things happen by chance but some for an unknown (to us) reason that keeps us on the plan.  There are ‘angel’ like folks who live among us and cause little things to happen to keep us on plan though they only know a part of the plan and just trust ‘the chairmen’ who put together the plan. 

Now this is much of christianity in a nutshell or at least church-ianity.  Let's be real. 

Comments like: "It was just God's will." --said by many churchy minded folks at my father's funeral..(I absolutely don't believe it was God's will for my daddy to die.)  Or "God meant for us to be together. Everything in my life is so I could meet you...blah, blah..---said in 99% of chick-flicks, wedding ceremonies etc.  (I absolutely think a person could marry many different people. It's who you choose to make it work with and then they become your 'magic' person) Okay...enough examples though I could think of many more. 

Now the movie shows this struggle. There is a plan, but one thing happens and the plan changes!! This is crazy to think of the endless repercussions that our little words and actions have on the world. The grand finale ending of the movie (i won't tell the ending) is that free will is a gift and we can choose love, we can choose right. Here’s the ending line which I am just chewing on: ‘Most people live life on the path we (divine people) set for them. They are to afraid to explore any other way.  But once in a while people come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize free will is a gift, you'll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that's The Chairman's real plan. And maybe, one day, we won't write the plan. You will.”  

Interesting thought and just what I’ve been brewing about lately.  Do I write my own plan or is it already established for me?? "I know God has a purpose and a plan and a hope and a future for me..." But isn't God supporting me whatever direction I walk in? If his spirit is in me and around me, does it really matter where I go?  I say I just want to be where He is. “God, I want to be where you are” ….which is ridiculous because I can’t be where He isn’t.  Is He in one place more than another? So, then it doesn't matter where I am, I know exactly who I am called to be and what God wants to do in that place. Reconcile people to Him. Love. So I might as well just do whatever makes me happy. UGH!

  “All we have is our choices” is another line from the movie.  This thought can cause headache ramifications and destroyed theologies such as a ‘soulmate’ or a perfect person that you are intended to be with or a job/position that is what you are ‘meant’ to do.  

paradox 1:  I am writing my own plan but God has a plan for me. ‘Make level paths for your feet’ but at the same time ‘God will make your paths straight ..’ 

paradox 2: God has giving me the sense, the free will to do whatever/go wherever. But I just want to do his will. But what if my will is his will....is his will my will??? 

paradox 3: Surrender is easy to throw up your hands and say, do whatever with my life God. Here you go, take control. I use to think I was soo brave and noble to pray these things to God.  But then what happens when he gives it back to you and says ‘Here you go, let’s go on an adventure. What do you want to do??’ UGH! I don’t know! I thought you decided this stuff. 

Someone prayed over me a little while back and said that ‘God sees me and made me multi-talented. That I’m not indecisive but one of those rare people who could really do almost anything.’ UGH. Again. I don’t know what to do. My decision tree has so many branches (another quote from the movie).

See that movie. Let me know what you think of it. And what you think of the theology behind it.Watch out for your weird coincidences everyday, even spilling your coffee, could be arranged by angels to keep you on a certain course or maybe you are just dropsy.

Day 10: not coincedence: Moving wood chip and plaster.

Here it is the end of July. Tomorrow is the month that will hold the drastic change. One whole year has gone by and I thought I would have a decision made way before this day. The end of my dear, dear Jovial days will come. Everyday will not feel like Saturday. My daily jovial routine that is so beautifully established and serene will be gone. I am scared and so very sad. I am pretty good at change, but this one will be a rough especially since I still have NO IDEA what I'll be doing. As much as I am a lover of change, I equally love preparation and planning time. Marinating and brewing on ideas and lessons is needed in my field of work and without that time stress levels, blood pressure, my weight all sky rocket. Oh, Lord.  At church the verse 'Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees' and the quote of 'own your own destiny' stood out to me.  I just don't know what path to choose and my confirmations are mixed signals. I didn't notice a huge coincedence today.

The only coincidence was this tiny microscopic thing that began and ended my day. This morning when I woke up, barely seeing clearly, I looked down and saw a little woodchip (guinea pig bedding) MOVING across the bathroom floor. I rubbed my eyes and put in my contacts, but it was still moving. There was this extremely tiny little ant, the almost unseeable kind, just working so hard so early this morning. The little guy was slowly struggling under the weight of the tiny wood chip. I was tired and crabby (just because it was morning) and thought about him for a second. Then I smashed him and flushed him down the toilet.

 I felt a little evil but I didn't want him inviting his little friends over and throwing a party in my bathroom. He was the only one that I saw even after I swept the floor and examined everywhere for his family/friends. I thought that was odd. One lonely guy with this lone wood chip.

Then tonight before going up to bed, I went to the bathroom and a tiny piece of plaster is moving toward me. What are they doing with wood chips and plaster really!? Why could they need it so desperately to work so hard at this? Again he was the only one. I watched him struggle and wondered if I could help him go a specific direction.  I let him live.

Whenever I see ants I always think of how tiny I am in the huge scheme of the world. All the people, places. ideas from all the past, present and future just make my world shrink. I feel so very small and yet I think what I carry (my work) is soooo important that I worry about it all the time. I know what you are thinking. "They felt like grasshoppers in their own eyes"  Yes, yes. It is such a paradox because I carry the very presence of God and this has HUGE, eternal ramifications. And yes, God does not see me as an ant at all but someone  of great value and worth. Yes, worth dying for. No one is small in God's perspective but does it even matter so much what I do, where I work??  God is HUGE and is everywhere.

This was a rabbling blog. I apologize. But I hope I won't see anything move across the bathroom floor tomorrow and I hope I'll find out what my load will be this year.

Day 9: Love Lavelle

I believe nothing happens on accident but I don't know what the something is to why the non-coincidences happen. Yesterday was a very weird one.

In the back of my mind almost all the time, I think about baby names. I've done this most of my life even as a kid. In the back of every journal is a list of names that I would name my kids at that stage of my life. I love names. Now that I can actually name my dear little humans, it's even more exciting. Jovial is my favorite adjective and I liked Jovi for short. I really like names with 'V' in them. So now as I ponder Jovi's future siblings I think about 'V's as their common letter. My grandma from Ireland's last name was Lavelle. I always thought that was so cool. She has bright red hair and was quirky and cute. She said most of the people in her city in Ireland all had that name. It was very common. I pondered it as a first name but 'Lavi' just isn't nice nor is 'Velle'. Then I looked up 'lovella' or 'lovelle' who could get called 'love' for short or 'lovie'. It means loved and adored one. Who wouldn't want to be called that everyday of their life? I got excited but before my excitement grew I voiced my idea to Ed in the car yesterday.
'What do you think of the name Lovella?'
 'I've never heard of it or had a thought about it. I'll need to think about it awhile.'
That was a fair response. I thought I'd give him background and tell him about my grandma and her irish last name. Then I looked out the window and a semi was next to us. The whole side of the semi said 'LAVELLE' in really big letters. I don't remember the company or product, but it was just really bizarre to look over and see that.

Day 8: Busy with no plans.

Today my only prayer was to be distracted and not think about the job interview. "Did I get it or not??!!!" I've been analyzing the Q and A's over and over again. Thinking about what my life would look like if I got it and what it would like if I didn't.
 Everyday I make a to-do list. I am one of those people. I use to think stay at home moms had the dream life of nothing but kiddos and peace/quiet...I was so arrogant and ignorant. I am so busy everyday that it's unbelievable and the patience testing war that goes on is comparable to any 'job' I've ever had. But today I didn't make a to-do list for the first time in a long, long time. I just wanted to relax, read, write, drink coffee and get some more stuff together for the garage sale. My thoughts would not stop about the job.I couldn't focus on anything and I couldn't even sit and drink my coffee. That is a new low for me.

Then without my consent, my day began. I let the dogs out, Mr. Lunch digs a hole under the fence and runs away. I get Jovi cleaned off from breakfast put her in the stroller to look for Lunch and he comes right to me thankfully. Ed calls with a car crisis. I drove out  half hour to his work, stopped at store to get car part, store was closed, but saw one of my old students in the parking lot who didn't recognize me at all. :( I got sad. Then bucked up and  found another store, traded cars, and visited with my friend who just had a baby. It's impossible to have any negative or worried thoughts when you are holding a newborn. The newness rubs onto you and you see everything clear and simple. Ah....I drive back to car mechanic place which is 45 minutes away. My phone dies before I get there. My mom picks me up so I don't have to sit at creepy car place with Jovs. I helped put together garage sale and then back to car place. Car estimation to be fixed: $1600. It's impossible to think of anything else when someone quotes you that price unexpectedly. I picked up the car and got a complimentary air freshener without getting it fixed. I couldn't check my phone ALL DAY! What if they called! Argh! I get home, feed Jovi and phone rings before it even charged up. I jump up inside like it's the job calling to tell me....!!! It was a friend who was getting his motorcycle fixed up and needed a ride out to pick it up. I pack up poor Jovi again, who cried for the first time getting into her car seat and we drove a little bit away. It was 8pm before I thought about the job. The entire day flew bye and felt wasted.  I accomplished nothing today. But I did accomplish my goal of not thinking about the job. This is my least favorite coincidence so far but it seemed odd to be running around with displaced vehicles all day.

Day 7: a writer from ohio and a job decision.

So I had to watch a movie tonight. I have been suppressing my movie moods lately and I absolutely had to watch a random one tonight after jovi fell asleep. Ed wouldn't of course join me because there was a high heel on the cover.

"The Devil wears Prada" was my pick. I haven't watched a movie in a really long time and I forget how I get really into whatever movie I watch. I subconsciously find similarities between myself and the heroine, I find similar qualities in the co-stars that my friends have and so on. I like to sit and ponder movies after I see them about how they relate to me and what they make me think. The girl began as a fruppy "chubby" writer from Ohio and lost herself because of a job she didn't really want but thought she had to take to help her get to wherever it was she wanted to go. The movie's climax was really the very last scene where she walks away from it all and cuts all ties. She is thankful for her experience but in a moment made a huge decision. She even gave away all her awesome work clothes.

Now there was no villain at my job who wore Prada or anything like that, but the past few days since my interview I feel like I may not get it. And that it may not be what I wanted after all and that it would change me into someone that I wouldn't like.  I will be excited either way because I have spiced up my plan B but I just like my fruppy, writing self from Ohio. I don't miss dressing up everyday and pretending to be professional with all my strength. A few weeks ago I packed up a lot of my clothes for a garage sale.

Daruis Rucker sandwich with the questionable center.

The day of the awaited interview comes but I wake up with indifference instead of excitement. This is just very weird. This job is the most logical, best paying, least time-consuming, most my passion and just makes the most sense for goodness sakes!! and I finally get the interview. I had good coffee/reading/discussions with God about my contradicting self while Jovi ate her breakfast. I get on my nice suit (with the tags still on it) with shiny shoes and get Jovi equally dolled up because it makes me happy. I savored every little moment with Jovi this morning for whatever reason and got all teary eyed for no reason. Then on my way to drop off Jovi to be watched while I am interviewing,  the song by lovely Darius Rucker, "It won't be like this for long" comes on. I tried to turn it and was completely powerless. UGH! The words of that song just beat me up inside. Don't anybody watch the video. My nice professional self got ruined by mascara. "Get yourself together, Amy! This is what people do! They have kids and they go to work all day to pay for the kid. It will be all right."  I get sadder because I wish I could call my dad but if he were alive, his comments wouldn't be encouraging anyway. But he'd give me a good 'buck up, kid.' So by the time I drop off my pumpkin and then get to the interview, I was mentally exhausted just from thinking. My thoughts actually leave me winded as if I just exercised. The interview went fine, not amazing and not terrible just middle of the road, I'd say.  Just like always when I'm about to get what I thought I wanted, I think of all the things I then won't be able to have. (I told you life always feels like a Choose your own adventure novel to me.) So I of course think what I  won't have if I get the job: my cherished mornings with Jovi, my cavalier cuddling time, my Jovial play time, laughing in the sun room before the heat of the day, watch Jovi crawl around and chase Mr. Lunch, the front porch in the afternoon and Jovi stares down all the neighborhood kids that she will play with soon as she can catch up to them. I almost felt like crying again.  Then another Hootie song comes on as I leave the interview "Alright". (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etr7UtnUflM&ob=av2e)  It's about all the things in life you don't need and how he already has everything he wants. UGH! I should stay home, be poor and it will be all right. alright.  I stop at my house quick and get out of the nice suit because I will be taking it back (gasp!) tomorrow and cleaned all the marks from the shiny shoes which (gasp! gasp!) have to go back as well. I've never done this before don't be to mad at me.  Then I go back out to pick up my delicious Jovi. The 'Alright' song plays again during dinner and it cheers up my churning spirit. So we'll see what happens next. I'm sure it will all work out fine.

Sidenote coincidence: Today Jovi took her first 6 steps in a row and today Jovi took her first 2 major falls one off a couch and one off a porch. :( Neither falls would have happened if I didn't have the interview. But it's all right. alright! I got a roof over my head, the fella I love laying in my bed and it's all right...all right. I got shoes under my feet..."