Day 10: not coincedence: Moving wood chip and plaster.

Here it is the end of July. Tomorrow is the month that will hold the drastic change. One whole year has gone by and I thought I would have a decision made way before this day. The end of my dear, dear Jovial days will come. Everyday will not feel like Saturday. My daily jovial routine that is so beautifully established and serene will be gone. I am scared and so very sad. I am pretty good at change, but this one will be a rough especially since I still have NO IDEA what I'll be doing. As much as I am a lover of change, I equally love preparation and planning time. Marinating and brewing on ideas and lessons is needed in my field of work and without that time stress levels, blood pressure, my weight all sky rocket. Oh, Lord.  At church the verse 'Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees' and the quote of 'own your own destiny' stood out to me.  I just don't know what path to choose and my confirmations are mixed signals. I didn't notice a huge coincedence today.

The only coincidence was this tiny microscopic thing that began and ended my day. This morning when I woke up, barely seeing clearly, I looked down and saw a little woodchip (guinea pig bedding) MOVING across the bathroom floor. I rubbed my eyes and put in my contacts, but it was still moving. There was this extremely tiny little ant, the almost unseeable kind, just working so hard so early this morning. The little guy was slowly struggling under the weight of the tiny wood chip. I was tired and crabby (just because it was morning) and thought about him for a second. Then I smashed him and flushed him down the toilet.

 I felt a little evil but I didn't want him inviting his little friends over and throwing a party in my bathroom. He was the only one that I saw even after I swept the floor and examined everywhere for his family/friends. I thought that was odd. One lonely guy with this lone wood chip.

Then tonight before going up to bed, I went to the bathroom and a tiny piece of plaster is moving toward me. What are they doing with wood chips and plaster really!? Why could they need it so desperately to work so hard at this? Again he was the only one. I watched him struggle and wondered if I could help him go a specific direction.  I let him live.

Whenever I see ants I always think of how tiny I am in the huge scheme of the world. All the people, places. ideas from all the past, present and future just make my world shrink. I feel so very small and yet I think what I carry (my work) is soooo important that I worry about it all the time. I know what you are thinking. "They felt like grasshoppers in their own eyes"  Yes, yes. It is such a paradox because I carry the very presence of God and this has HUGE, eternal ramifications. And yes, God does not see me as an ant at all but someone  of great value and worth. Yes, worth dying for. No one is small in God's perspective but does it even matter so much what I do, where I work??  God is HUGE and is everywhere.

This was a rabbling blog. I apologize. But I hope I won't see anything move across the bathroom floor tomorrow and I hope I'll find out what my load will be this year.